Do you ever get caught by a thought and like Winnie the Pooh have to give a good think? Yep, that's where I am today. With my great big behind caught in the whole hole of the thinking tree.
I used to work in a cemetery, in the office which was located in the mausoleum. Great, quiet environment in which to work. Except for the occasional wack job funeral director who would sneak in behind me while I was typing or filing and scare the jeppers out of me.
On Memorial Day, we would always have folks coming to find where a grave or crypt was and I was always happy to oblige and help them out whenever I could. Interesting encounters, each and every one. Some folks looking for lost relatives, friends, neighbors. Some who hadn't had a chance for closure or didn't attend the funeral and were there for the first time. Some who just plain forgot or years since separated them from the location of the departed ones place.
Where I worked is a beautiful, perpetual care cemetery where all the markers are in ground and flat. Across the highway is a cemetery that for the most part, time and people have forgotten. I have been to the old cemetery several times just to look at the graves and head stones. Some very intriguing looks at times past in a few words and a piece of stone. But whether stately or manicured or weedy and intricately seasoned with age, both of these places now house the remains of people that were of import to greater or lesser degrees to the ones left behind.
A place of memories. A place where dreams and aspirations were separated by the reality of death. In some way, this Memorial Day we observe is akin to the Day of the Dead celebrated by the Mexican and South American peoples. The difference is that ours like the manicured cemetery is "proper, refined". Day of the Dead is "wilder and less sophisticated". Both are observances of our connectionality to the people before us.
I've been thinking today of my people who have gone before me. It is what I do every Memorial Day because I can.
Special healing wishes for those with pain from a separation from loved ones. I hope this Memorial Day will bring you comfort.
Sunday, May 30, 2010
Saturday, May 22, 2010
Too many seated activities....
Perhaps, on this blog, I have not told you that the inhabitants of this home are true believers in the fae....fairies, faeries, faery folk, of all manner and denomination.Since I have quiet activities to partake in at this time, sorta like being on house arrest when everyone turns and says...."what are you doing up"? Uuuuuuh nothin', says I. I decided that I would pluck my eyebrows. Ick. Ugh. Blech. I hate looking in the mirror, always have. I'm not all that bad looking according to the people who
In doing my eyebrows I saw some additional age spots starting to invade my face. But I had a chuckle. Now comes the part about the fae. My granddaughter, chief fairy believer extraordinare, has always believed that freckles are fairy kisses. She has freckles, her Mom has freckles, Papa has freckles and her brother has tiny little almost nonexistant freckles on his cheeks. I have had and not liked my freckles ever since I was a child but she has changed my mind. Freckles are great because they show that the fae care enough about you to sneak in the house and kiss you. Very special indeed.
So as I am looking at this freckle laden, age spot infested mess, I had a thought...age spots must be a passport without question to the other side, over the rainbow bridge to paradise. GK assured me that that was clear thinking on the matter. So, it's a good thing I am restricted to less active persuits or I sure would have missed an excellent lesson in life. And a good chuckle at myself.
Friday, May 21, 2010
A trip to the doctors office......
This is a post for informational purposes, not anything else. I have to say thanks to all of you for your well wishes for my surgery situation. I told you all I had an appointment with a PA (since my primary care physician took a hike). I was going because I thought I had a sinus infection. I also thought I would get a script for antibiotics and call it good. Nope.
Seems as though I have pneumonia in one lung, I am on medication I hoped I would never have to take because I watched my Mother who had COPD go back and forth with anitbiotics, steroids, inhalers blah, blah, blah. So I am more than slightly annoyed with me. How could I not know I had something more than a sinus infection? What am I Mrs. Oblivious of 2010?
Yeah, I've been tired but no more than usual. I kept thingking that my allergies were the cause for the technicolor nose blow and the stopped up ears and the cough at night when I would lay down. I've got until Wednesday of next week to take these meds and be back at the PA to be checked out. No improvement, I get a trip to the hospital. No I don't. I'm gonna be well. Power of positive thinking, your well wishes and a side order of behave myself and I am gonna be fine.
Damn. I hate, hate, hate being stupid, even more I hate being sick.
Seems as though I have pneumonia in one lung, I am on medication I hoped I would never have to take because I watched my Mother who had COPD go back and forth with anitbiotics, steroids, inhalers blah, blah, blah. So I am more than slightly annoyed with me. How could I not know I had something more than a sinus infection? What am I Mrs. Oblivious of 2010?
Yeah, I've been tired but no more than usual. I kept thingking that my allergies were the cause for the technicolor nose blow and the stopped up ears and the cough at night when I would lay down. I've got until Wednesday of next week to take these meds and be back at the PA to be checked out. No improvement, I get a trip to the hospital. No I don't. I'm gonna be well. Power of positive thinking, your well wishes and a side order of behave myself and I am gonna be fine.
Damn. I hate, hate, hate being stupid, even more I hate being sick.
Thursday, May 20, 2010
A brand new thought......
To any of you who are, related to, love or are close to a physcian...please accept my apologies ahead of time. "I am who I am and that's all that I am", Popeye, the Sailorman. toot toot.
I hate doctors, I hate doctors offices, I hate hospitals, I hate waiting rooms. I am a big baby. I avoid going to the doctor, any doctor, like the plague. I will be on death's door before I go to the doctor. You know those pain value things they ask you when you have an injury. I think a visit to the doctor is a constant 10 pain. So there.
I fell (oh like this is something new) June 5, 2008 going across the street to play cards with the neighbor kids. Screwed up my new knee replacement and broke my left wrist. I went to the emergency room 9 hours after I fell, don't want to rush these things....I mean it may have healed all on it's own in that length of time. Only it swelled up and was an ugly color and hurt like fire. They looked at the xrays they took. Said I had a fracture on the wrist and at the base of my blah, blah, blah. Okay says I do I need a cast or splint? Nah, just go see your doctor if you aren't feeling any better in a couple of days. Here's a prescription for DRUGS. I don't do DRUGS so we came home and I put my wrist into a wrist splint I had from my carpal tunnel surgery and called it good.
6 months later a small soft tissue thingie started growing on my right pointer finger on the second knuckle. At the same time another growth started over the place where my blah, blah, blah had been injured on my left hand AND another soft rubbery thingie started up on my pulse point on my right hand. Hmmmmmm, at the same time I developed arthritis, my diagnosis not theirs, in my right hand mostly in the fingers.
Today I went to a hand specialist because I can no longer tolerate the pain I experience when doing anything that I hold as fun. No paintbrush, crochet hook, glue gun, pencil or type.....well you get it. All I do as an artist and blogger is compromised by these things growing on my hands.
I have never spent as much time with a physician who answered every question with human speak. Gave me what her learned opinion was and then left it up to me to decide what I would do about it. She indicated that I had arthritis in both my hands and wrists. I was in doctor shock. And then we scheduled my hand surgery and I am in a quandry....well it's better than being in jail, or deep do do or alot of other places I can think of. So email me in Quandry in care of PO Box Arthitis in my hands, cuz it's where I am.
I hate doctors, I hate doctors offices, I hate hospitals, I hate waiting rooms. I am a big baby. I avoid going to the doctor, any doctor, like the plague. I will be on death's door before I go to the doctor. You know those pain value things they ask you when you have an injury. I think a visit to the doctor is a constant 10 pain. So there.
I fell (oh like this is something new) June 5, 2008 going across the street to play cards with the neighbor kids. Screwed up my new knee replacement and broke my left wrist. I went to the emergency room 9 hours after I fell, don't want to rush these things....I mean it may have healed all on it's own in that length of time. Only it swelled up and was an ugly color and hurt like fire. They looked at the xrays they took. Said I had a fracture on the wrist and at the base of my blah, blah, blah. Okay says I do I need a cast or splint? Nah, just go see your doctor if you aren't feeling any better in a couple of days. Here's a prescription for DRUGS. I don't do DRUGS so we came home and I put my wrist into a wrist splint I had from my carpal tunnel surgery and called it good.
6 months later a small soft tissue thingie started growing on my right pointer finger on the second knuckle. At the same time another growth started over the place where my blah, blah, blah had been injured on my left hand AND another soft rubbery thingie started up on my pulse point on my right hand. Hmmmmmm, at the same time I developed arthritis, my diagnosis not theirs, in my right hand mostly in the fingers.
Today I went to a hand specialist because I can no longer tolerate the pain I experience when doing anything that I hold as fun. No paintbrush, crochet hook, glue gun, pencil or type.....well you get it. All I do as an artist and blogger is compromised by these things growing on my hands.
I have never spent as much time with a physician who answered every question with human speak. Gave me what her learned opinion was and then left it up to me to decide what I would do about it. She indicated that I had arthritis in both my hands and wrists. I was in doctor shock. And then we scheduled my hand surgery and I am in a quandry....well it's better than being in jail, or deep do do or alot of other places I can think of. So email me in Quandry in care of PO Box Arthitis in my hands, cuz it's where I am.
Tuesday, May 18, 2010
Yesterday was hard.........
Hi all. With the giveaway on OBnSS I haven't taken the time to get back here and exhale. That's what this blog feels like to me. A place to exhale and let my hair down.
As most of you know, because of the work schedules of the other adults in the house, I get the car only on Tuesdays. Really it is as much my choice as theirs. It is getting harder and harder to get around with my arthritis in my hips. I know you know some days good, some days tolerable, then some days.....just let me alone.
Since I was out running around yesterday for the kids, I am in today. Funny how when one persons schedule is changed everyone else around here is affected. It's like the proverbial house of cards. Shel had to work on her day off because a co-worker had exploratory surgery and now has some follow up care. That meant that I needed to be available to take the kids to therapy. Easier said than done, trust me. Lots of walking up and down inclines at schools. Have to go sign them out at the office, then to the classroom to fetch them, then on to the therapists office. The kids go to different schools so I started the journey at 11:15 and was through at 2:45. That's picking up, lunch for one, pick up the other, therapy, take one back to school, go to the office to sign them in and back to the classroom to drop them off, back to the car and so the other got to play hooky for the rest of the afternoon. I was wiped out.
I restate this every few weeks, I know why younger people have kids and older people have grandkids. Most times grandkids means sometimes....we are all the time. I know they are the reason I can still get around on most days. Huzzah for the little motivators.
A couple of weeks ago we went to the park to play frisbee with them. Ry says, after about an hour of playing, "hey Oma, you need to settle down now and rest or we won't be able to get you home". Damn. I was served with that info.
They take really good care of me...and they also make me nutz...the two sided coin.
If you haven't headed over to http://lindaomasoldebaggsnstuftshirts.blogspot.com/ to enter my giveaway, you have until Thursday to do so. Good Luck
As most of you know, because of the work schedules of the other adults in the house, I get the car only on Tuesdays. Really it is as much my choice as theirs. It is getting harder and harder to get around with my arthritis in my hips. I know you know some days good, some days tolerable, then some days.....just let me alone.
Since I was out running around yesterday for the kids, I am in today. Funny how when one persons schedule is changed everyone else around here is affected. It's like the proverbial house of cards. Shel had to work on her day off because a co-worker had exploratory surgery and now has some follow up care. That meant that I needed to be available to take the kids to therapy. Easier said than done, trust me. Lots of walking up and down inclines at schools. Have to go sign them out at the office, then to the classroom to fetch them, then on to the therapists office. The kids go to different schools so I started the journey at 11:15 and was through at 2:45. That's picking up, lunch for one, pick up the other, therapy, take one back to school, go to the office to sign them in and back to the classroom to drop them off, back to the car and so the other got to play hooky for the rest of the afternoon. I was wiped out.
I restate this every few weeks, I know why younger people have kids and older people have grandkids. Most times grandkids means sometimes....we are all the time. I know they are the reason I can still get around on most days. Huzzah for the little motivators.
A couple of weeks ago we went to the park to play frisbee with them. Ry says, after about an hour of playing, "hey Oma, you need to settle down now and rest or we won't be able to get you home". Damn. I was served with that info.
They take really good care of me...and they also make me nutz...the two sided coin.
If you haven't headed over to http://lindaomasoldebaggsnstuftshirts.blogspot.com/ to enter my giveaway, you have until Thursday to do so. Good Luck
Saturday, May 15, 2010
Memory
I came across a collection of my favorite poetry and thought I would share this one with you my lovelies.
Memory
By Thomas Bailey Aldrich
My mind lets go a thousand things,
Like dates of wars and deaths of kings,
And yet recalls the very hour.....
'Twas noon by yonder village tower,
And on the last blue moon in May...
The wind came briskly up this way,
Crisping the brook beside the road;
Then, pausing here, set down its load
Of pine-scents, and shook listlessly
Two petal from the wild rose tree.
Wishing each of you a lovely weekend.
Don't forget to leave a comment at OBnSS for a chance to win the necklace or the mermaid.
Memory
By Thomas Bailey Aldrich
My mind lets go a thousand things,
Like dates of wars and deaths of kings,
And yet recalls the very hour.....
'Twas noon by yonder village tower,
And on the last blue moon in May...
The wind came briskly up this way,
Crisping the brook beside the road;
Then, pausing here, set down its load
Of pine-scents, and shook listlessly
Two petal from the wild rose tree.
Wishing each of you a lovely weekend.
Don't forget to leave a comment at OBnSS for a chance to win the necklace or the mermaid.
Friday, May 14, 2010
I'm having a giveaway on my other blog.....come and enter......
I am having a give away starting today at http://lindaomasoldebaggsnstuftshirts.blogspot.com/
This is to celebrate one year of blogging, come and join in the fun
Advice
By Langston Hughes
Folks, I'm telling you,
birthing is hard
and dying is mean....
so get yourself
a little loving
in between.
Direct and to the point, huh?
This is to celebrate one year of blogging, come and join in the fun
Advice
By Langston Hughes
Folks, I'm telling you,
birthing is hard
and dying is mean....
so get yourself
a little loving
in between.
Direct and to the point, huh?
Wednesday, May 12, 2010
Update on the mean girl front.....
I have to be honest with you and say that I was expecting the worst from my challenging the mean girls at school yesterday. I thought maybe they would have been even meaner to GK or that I would have embarrassed her to the point that she might be upset with me.
Nah, GK came home from school yesterday afternoon and reported that the head bitchlet had actually tried to be nice to her. GK said she was "not fooled by that behavior" and was nice back but "kept her eyes open for trouble". I told her I was sorry if I embarrassed her. She said, "heck no, I was glad you stood up to them for me, but you won't have to anymore, cuz that's my job".
She plans to ignore them as much as possible but if they give her grief, "I"ll give as good as I get". Whodat????
wooooohoooo people.
I guess the feeding of nails can be reduced to just once a week this summer, now that she sees she can survive the crapee that others hand out. Yay for our team.
Nah, GK came home from school yesterday afternoon and reported that the head bitchlet had actually tried to be nice to her. GK said she was "not fooled by that behavior" and was nice back but "kept her eyes open for trouble". I told her I was sorry if I embarrassed her. She said, "heck no, I was glad you stood up to them for me, but you won't have to anymore, cuz that's my job".
She plans to ignore them as much as possible but if they give her grief, "I"ll give as good as I get". Whodat????
wooooohoooo people.
I guess the feeding of nails can be reduced to just once a week this summer, now that she sees she can survive the crapee that others hand out. Yay for our team.
Tuesday, May 11, 2010
Mean girls, the real kind, not like on TV
You all know how fierce I can be. You know I love my family so much sometimes it gets me into trouble. Not serious trouble, just the kind where relatives and neighbors and nare do wells no longer speak to me. TDB
Well I stepped in it again this morning. True confession time. GereaKaye had a project due yesterday at school. When she brought the instructions home, I read the requirements and put it down that it was due the 19th, not the 10th. Damn old people, we need better reading glasses or longer attention spans. Anyway, la la la, Thursday Gerea tells me, hey Oma we needed to finish working on her project. It is always a we, people. She expects the Omalator to sit and critique and fuss and help...I do too. I don't do the work for her but am always glad to lend a hand, logistically.
So yesterday, after she went to school, Shelley and I were looking at the sheet of instructions (first time since it came home on the 30th of April). OMG, I am the biggest old ick in the world. Cuz I told GK that we had this week to work on it and that's what we planned. Oops.
Needless to say the project was worked on last night. I helped her deliver it this morning. Cuz it's Tuesday and I get the car. (I bet ya'll get tired of hearing that huh?) So on the way to school, she tells me that her teacher had said if the projects were late that they would get a zero. I said that's okay. If you get a zero, but still hand in the project, it is the honorable thing to do and we will still be proud of you and you can hold your head up and be proud of yourself. I said I hope your teacher does give you a zero. I'd like to see her at least stand by her words, just once this year, because this teacher just doesn't seem to care. GK seemed to feel some better.
Get to the school and the group of girls that love to torture the other 4th grader girls call her a loser. In front of me, people. And then they ran away laughing. GK is a lot of wonderful things but able to deal with that isn't one of them. I have made a mental note that she has to be served nails to eat twice a week during the summer to get her to toughen up. As If.
Great big ole tears welled up and she was gonna lose it when we happened on the counselor. I told Ms. M that she was willing to take the zero but showed her what a great job GK had done. She too told GK to hold her head up cuz her project was "Hollywood". A super job.
Bell rings, mean girls line up so GK has to walk past them with me and the project. One of the little snots started to say something. I made and kept eye contact with the leader of the bitchlets in training and they all went inside quickly. I went inside and handed the teacher the lazy susan with 4 (not the required 3 scenes of her favorite book, which is Heidi), told her it was my fault that the project was late, knew GK was going to get a zero and let her know what we had told GK, that she needed to show that she had at least done her best. The teacher said that she had been absent for two days and couldn't expect the kids to remember without her nagging them on Friday and so it really wasn't late.
See what I mean. Huh? Say what you mean and mean what you say. Of course now GK will get a really good grade but I would have rather her get a really good lesson and me do penance. Anyway, Gerea looks at me with her mouth open and a big ole question mark on her forehead. I whispered in her ear as I kissed her good bye..."it's just the way life is sweetie."
So who's the mean girl here? The kids, for being southern ends of northern facing horses, me, for the "eat shit and die look" I gave to the meanie, meanie bo beanies or the teacher for proving she is...............wishy and then washy?
Well I stepped in it again this morning. True confession time. GereaKaye had a project due yesterday at school. When she brought the instructions home, I read the requirements and put it down that it was due the 19th, not the 10th. Damn old people, we need better reading glasses or longer attention spans. Anyway, la la la, Thursday Gerea tells me, hey Oma we needed to finish working on her project. It is always a we, people. She expects the Omalator to sit and critique and fuss and help...I do too. I don't do the work for her but am always glad to lend a hand, logistically.
So yesterday, after she went to school, Shelley and I were looking at the sheet of instructions (first time since it came home on the 30th of April). OMG, I am the biggest old ick in the world. Cuz I told GK that we had this week to work on it and that's what we planned. Oops.
Needless to say the project was worked on last night. I helped her deliver it this morning. Cuz it's Tuesday and I get the car. (I bet ya'll get tired of hearing that huh?) So on the way to school, she tells me that her teacher had said if the projects were late that they would get a zero. I said that's okay. If you get a zero, but still hand in the project, it is the honorable thing to do and we will still be proud of you and you can hold your head up and be proud of yourself. I said I hope your teacher does give you a zero. I'd like to see her at least stand by her words, just once this year, because this teacher just doesn't seem to care. GK seemed to feel some better.
Get to the school and the group of girls that love to torture the other 4th grader girls call her a loser. In front of me, people. And then they ran away laughing. GK is a lot of wonderful things but able to deal with that isn't one of them. I have made a mental note that she has to be served nails to eat twice a week during the summer to get her to toughen up. As If.
Great big ole tears welled up and she was gonna lose it when we happened on the counselor. I told Ms. M that she was willing to take the zero but showed her what a great job GK had done. She too told GK to hold her head up cuz her project was "Hollywood". A super job.
Bell rings, mean girls line up so GK has to walk past them with me and the project. One of the little snots started to say something. I made and kept eye contact with the leader of the bitchlets in training and they all went inside quickly. I went inside and handed the teacher the lazy susan with 4 (not the required 3 scenes of her favorite book, which is Heidi), told her it was my fault that the project was late, knew GK was going to get a zero and let her know what we had told GK, that she needed to show that she had at least done her best. The teacher said that she had been absent for two days and couldn't expect the kids to remember without her nagging them on Friday and so it really wasn't late.
See what I mean. Huh? Say what you mean and mean what you say. Of course now GK will get a really good grade but I would have rather her get a really good lesson and me do penance. Anyway, Gerea looks at me with her mouth open and a big ole question mark on her forehead. I whispered in her ear as I kissed her good bye..."it's just the way life is sweetie."
So who's the mean girl here? The kids, for being southern ends of northern facing horses, me, for the "eat shit and die look" I gave to the meanie, meanie bo beanies or the teacher for proving she is...............wishy and then washy?
Friday, May 7, 2010
Once upon a time in the land of the meanest woman on earth.........
I could tell you that this was the story of Oma Linda and Gerea Kaye and some days it would be the truth, the whole truth and nothing but the truth.
This morning may have been right up there with the truth.
Poor little woogie, she is lost in being a prepubescent girl, which we all remember from being one, except for those of you of the testosterone persuasion. She is .....let's say forgetful......let's say harmlessly non chalant with her belongings....let's say preoccupied with being GK and not paying attention to things like, finishing what she starts, remembering where things are and oh I don't know...listening???????
So mean old Oma made her cry. And now that she has gone to school.....I'm sniffing and tearing up and feeling like the biggest meanie in the world but I know I'm not and she doesn't think so either. This too will pass and we will make it through this little bump in the road.
The strangest thing is....I already did this with her Mom and sometimes these flashbacks are ugly.
I have to confess that I really love being an Oma and hate being a grandmother in charge of getting it done. I know that I must be a good role model, a good teacher and enabler. The "behave yourself and pull your head out" lectures are not my favorites but necessary.
So color me a slight shade of blue.
BTW, this book is the cutest book and if you have a chance check it out from your local library. Great read for 5-12 year olds or old ladies like me who love to chuckle.
Thursday, May 6, 2010
And this is what it is....................
Anyway, in about 6 weeks, the cutting that I took from the cereus, on the left and the DBB which is pictured on the right side, will be ready to give away, along with some of the baby onions. So for any of you that might want to venture into the land of succulents, I'll be glad to mail you rooted cuttings and tiny baby onions. Just let me know and I also will remind you mid June.
Wednesday, May 5, 2010
What is it?
I have another lookie loo for you.
Can you guess what this is?
Part of today's chores.
Am very proud of this.
Kinda unusual, at least I think it is.
What is it?
Can you guess what this is?
Part of today's chores.
Am very proud of this.
Kinda unusual, at least I think it is.
What is it?
Tuesday, May 4, 2010
Happiness, a tea party and you
You lovelies are fabu. I love the thoughts that you shared with me on happiness or the lack of or the persception of.
One of the most remarkable things about blogging is that I can ask you, my lovelies, questions that I would probably never ask my "right here" friends. I think it has to do with a comfort zone thing and a bit of anonymity (sp). I feel I know more about some of you than I do about my friends here as well.
I have thought about what you shared and think that I think about it too much. I should just be. Wow talk about a verbal vortex of confusion.
On a "happier note", I am going to be a part of a Mad Hatter Tea Party on June 26 and would like to invite you to check out the link to A Fanciful Twist http://afancifultwist.typepad.com/a_fanciful_twist/2010/04/the-mad-tea-party-2010-an-invitation-surprise.html
and see if maybe you would like to have a tea party of your own or just cruise the miriad of blogs that will be participating.
GereaKaye and I are already making plans for our Fairy tea party and hope you will mark it on your calendar to come and visit that day.
(((hugs))) until next time
One of the most remarkable things about blogging is that I can ask you, my lovelies, questions that I would probably never ask my "right here" friends. I think it has to do with a comfort zone thing and a bit of anonymity (sp). I feel I know more about some of you than I do about my friends here as well.
I have thought about what you shared and think that I think about it too much. I should just be. Wow talk about a verbal vortex of confusion.
On a "happier note", I am going to be a part of a Mad Hatter Tea Party on June 26 and would like to invite you to check out the link to A Fanciful Twist http://afancifultwist.typepad.com/a_fanciful_twist/2010/04/the-mad-tea-party-2010-an-invitation-surprise.html
and see if maybe you would like to have a tea party of your own or just cruise the miriad of blogs that will be participating.
GereaKaye and I are already making plans for our Fairy tea party and hope you will mark it on your calendar to come and visit that day.
(((hugs))) until next time
Sunday, May 2, 2010
Did you plan for happiness?
I'm gonna warn you now...this post is a head scratcher. A while ago, I told you I was beginning to understand something about myself. Well, I think I finally have the words for my feelings now.
A million years ago when I was a youngster, none of the adults that were role models for me analyzed their life, their feelings or their motives, as far as I knew. They surely did not share with me. Now, as far as sharing expectations of others behaviors, oh yeah. And their problems with others, yes indeed. And of course the "reasons" all of these things about others were "so" was voiced all the time.
My Mother didn't share alot of personal information. Today would have been her 92nd birthday. When she died, she took so much of her life story with her and untold and left us with questions. My Dad was incapable of sharing anything tender or otherwise. My older brother and sister, because of our family situation (being afraid of my Dad, their stepdad) probably didn't feel that they could or should. So, I was left to ferret out information on my own. Sorta like learning about sex on the playground.
Happiness was a really vague concept to me. You were or you weren't and most of the time it was of your own making. Paying the piper, I believe is the term my adults used.
So I was expected to be certain things. I was expected to not do or think other things. But they never said why I should other than you better do something "or else". I suppose looking back, that was just as well. I mean that they didn't elaborate. I probably wouldn't have been able to understand them anyway. My parents were not happy people. It always came as a surprise when I would go to a friends house and the parents were laughing and joking. It was like visiting a foreign country.
But I sure wish I'd had a role model for happiness. Or even a clue as to what that is. I can tell you what makes me unhappy. I can tell you what disappoints me. I can tell you what makes me uncomfortable. But still, I can't tell you what makes me happy. I don't know. I never planned for happiness. I kinda thought it would just happen. I assumed that if I did what I was told, grew up and tried to be a good person that happiness would follow but I don't think so anymore.
Now please do not confuse my love for my husband, daughter, grands and dear friends with unhappiness. That is the furtherest thing from my mind. They save me from myself. They allow me to live life to the fullest.
But the me that is apart from them, this person I am left with, that is stripped from all else that I have, do or try.......Am I happy? I don't know. I wanna be. And act like I am most of the time.
It's like when you are young and someone tells you that you need to plan for your future with investments or education or all those life altering things.....why is it that no one tells you to plan, lay a foundation, protect your heart for happiness?
More confused than when you first began this reading? Me too.
I am contemplating this because GK asked me if I am happy. I immediately answered "of course, why wouldn't I be?" That's what grandparents of grands with anxiety issues do. We provide a facade and comfort zone that everything is okey dokey and then try to back it up with love, nurturing and understanding. But see, this is a perfect example.....was I giving her the complete answer? Was I being truthful, honest to goodness genuine with her?. Am I helping her lay a foundation for happiness? I don't know. I hope so.
There are too many variables in my life and the society I live in, where I live, how I live my life, what is happening around me, who is messing with the people I love, my past history and probably the way the sun is shining at the moment, that all have to do with how I am tettering on and doing battle with myself on this issue of happiness.
What say you my lovelies? Are you happy? Tell me, I need some happiness stories in my life right now. Give me some insight, some hope, some something to look at, reflect upon and ponder.
and BTW, this post was typed 10 days ago....so just this last part involves the boo boo wrist, ....just letting ya know.
A million years ago when I was a youngster, none of the adults that were role models for me analyzed their life, their feelings or their motives, as far as I knew. They surely did not share with me. Now, as far as sharing expectations of others behaviors, oh yeah. And their problems with others, yes indeed. And of course the "reasons" all of these things about others were "so" was voiced all the time.
My Mother didn't share alot of personal information. Today would have been her 92nd birthday. When she died, she took so much of her life story with her and untold and left us with questions. My Dad was incapable of sharing anything tender or otherwise. My older brother and sister, because of our family situation (being afraid of my Dad, their stepdad) probably didn't feel that they could or should. So, I was left to ferret out information on my own. Sorta like learning about sex on the playground.
Happiness was a really vague concept to me. You were or you weren't and most of the time it was of your own making. Paying the piper, I believe is the term my adults used.
So I was expected to be certain things. I was expected to not do or think other things. But they never said why I should other than you better do something "or else". I suppose looking back, that was just as well. I mean that they didn't elaborate. I probably wouldn't have been able to understand them anyway. My parents were not happy people. It always came as a surprise when I would go to a friends house and the parents were laughing and joking. It was like visiting a foreign country.
But I sure wish I'd had a role model for happiness. Or even a clue as to what that is. I can tell you what makes me unhappy. I can tell you what disappoints me. I can tell you what makes me uncomfortable. But still, I can't tell you what makes me happy. I don't know. I never planned for happiness. I kinda thought it would just happen. I assumed that if I did what I was told, grew up and tried to be a good person that happiness would follow but I don't think so anymore.
Now please do not confuse my love for my husband, daughter, grands and dear friends with unhappiness. That is the furtherest thing from my mind. They save me from myself. They allow me to live life to the fullest.
But the me that is apart from them, this person I am left with, that is stripped from all else that I have, do or try.......Am I happy? I don't know. I wanna be. And act like I am most of the time.
It's like when you are young and someone tells you that you need to plan for your future with investments or education or all those life altering things.....why is it that no one tells you to plan, lay a foundation, protect your heart for happiness?
More confused than when you first began this reading? Me too.
I am contemplating this because GK asked me if I am happy. I immediately answered "of course, why wouldn't I be?" That's what grandparents of grands with anxiety issues do. We provide a facade and comfort zone that everything is okey dokey and then try to back it up with love, nurturing and understanding. But see, this is a perfect example.....was I giving her the complete answer? Was I being truthful, honest to goodness genuine with her?. Am I helping her lay a foundation for happiness? I don't know. I hope so.
There are too many variables in my life and the society I live in, where I live, how I live my life, what is happening around me, who is messing with the people I love, my past history and probably the way the sun is shining at the moment, that all have to do with how I am tettering on and doing battle with myself on this issue of happiness.
What say you my lovelies? Are you happy? Tell me, I need some happiness stories in my life right now. Give me some insight, some hope, some something to look at, reflect upon and ponder.
and BTW, this post was typed 10 days ago....so just this last part involves the boo boo wrist, ....just letting ya know.
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