I'm gonna warn you now...this post is a head scratcher. A while ago, I told you I was beginning to understand something about myself. Well, I think I finally have the words for my feelings now.
A million years ago when I was a youngster, none of the adults that were role models for me analyzed their life, their feelings or their motives, as far as I knew. They surely did not share with me. Now, as far as sharing expectations of others behaviors, oh yeah. And their problems with others, yes indeed. And of course the "reasons" all of these things about others were "so" was voiced all the time.
My Mother didn't share alot of personal information. Today would have been her 92nd birthday. When she died, she took so much of her life story with her and untold and left us with questions. My Dad was incapable of sharing anything tender or otherwise. My older brother and sister, because of our family situation (being afraid of my Dad, their stepdad) probably didn't feel that they could or should. So, I was left to ferret out information on my own. Sorta like learning about sex on the playground.
Happiness was a really vague concept to me. You were or you weren't and most of the time it was of your own making. Paying the piper, I believe is the term my adults used.
So I was expected to be certain things. I was expected to not do or think other things. But they never said why I should other than you better do something "or else". I suppose looking back, that was just as well. I mean that they didn't elaborate. I probably wouldn't have been able to understand them anyway. My parents were not happy people. It always came as a surprise when I would go to a friends house and the parents were laughing and joking. It was like visiting a foreign country.
But I sure wish I'd had a role model for happiness. Or even a clue as to what that is. I can tell you what makes me unhappy. I can tell you what disappoints me. I can tell you what makes me uncomfortable. But still, I can't tell you what makes me happy. I don't know. I never planned for happiness. I kinda thought it would just happen. I assumed that if I did what I was told, grew up and tried to be a good person that happiness would follow but I don't think so anymore.
Now please do not confuse my love for my husband, daughter, grands and dear friends with unhappiness. That is the furtherest thing from my mind. They save me from myself. They allow me to live life to the fullest.
But the me that is apart from them, this person I am left with, that is stripped from all else that I have, do or try.......Am I happy? I don't know. I wanna be. And act like I am most of the time.
It's like when you are young and someone tells you that you need to plan for your future with investments or education or all those life altering things.....why is it that no one tells you to plan, lay a foundation, protect your heart for happiness?
More confused than when you first began this reading? Me too.
I am contemplating this because GK asked me if I am happy. I immediately answered "of course, why wouldn't I be?" That's what grandparents of grands with anxiety issues do. We provide a facade and comfort zone that everything is okey dokey and then try to back it up with love, nurturing and understanding. But see, this is a perfect example.....was I giving her the complete answer? Was I being truthful, honest to goodness genuine with her?. Am I helping her lay a foundation for happiness? I don't know. I hope so.
There are too many variables in my life and the society I live in, where I live, how I live my life, what is happening around me, who is messing with the people I love, my past history and probably the way the sun is shining at the moment, that all have to do with how I am tettering on and doing battle with myself on this issue of happiness.
What say you my lovelies? Are you happy? Tell me, I need some happiness stories in my life right now. Give me some insight, some hope, some something to look at, reflect upon and ponder.
and BTW, this post was typed 10 days ago....so just this last part involves the boo boo wrist, ....just letting ya know.