I'm gonna warn you now...this post is a head scratcher. A while ago, I told you I was beginning to understand something about myself. Well, I think I finally have the words for my feelings now.
A million years ago when I was a youngster, none of the adults that were role models for me analyzed their life, their feelings or their motives, as far as I knew. They surely did not share with me. Now, as far as sharing expectations of others behaviors, oh yeah. And their problems with others, yes indeed. And of course the "reasons" all of these things about others were "so" was voiced all the time.
My Mother didn't share alot of personal information. Today would have been her 92nd birthday. When she died, she took so much of her life story with her and untold and left us with questions. My Dad was incapable of sharing anything tender or otherwise. My older brother and sister, because of our family situation (being afraid of my Dad, their stepdad) probably didn't feel that they could or should. So, I was left to ferret out information on my own. Sorta like learning about sex on the playground.
Happiness was a really vague concept to me. You were or you weren't and most of the time it was of your own making. Paying the piper, I believe is the term my adults used.
So I was expected to be certain things. I was expected to not do or think other things. But they never said why I should other than you better do something "or else". I suppose looking back, that was just as well. I mean that they didn't elaborate. I probably wouldn't have been able to understand them anyway. My parents were not happy people. It always came as a surprise when I would go to a friends house and the parents were laughing and joking. It was like visiting a foreign country.
But I sure wish I'd had a role model for happiness. Or even a clue as to what that is. I can tell you what makes me unhappy. I can tell you what disappoints me. I can tell you what makes me uncomfortable. But still, I can't tell you what makes me happy. I don't know. I never planned for happiness. I kinda thought it would just happen. I assumed that if I did what I was told, grew up and tried to be a good person that happiness would follow but I don't think so anymore.
Now please do not confuse my love for my husband, daughter, grands and dear friends with unhappiness. That is the furtherest thing from my mind. They save me from myself. They allow me to live life to the fullest.
But the me that is apart from them, this person I am left with, that is stripped from all else that I have, do or try.......Am I happy? I don't know. I wanna be. And act like I am most of the time.
It's like when you are young and someone tells you that you need to plan for your future with investments or education or all those life altering things.....why is it that no one tells you to plan, lay a foundation, protect your heart for happiness?
More confused than when you first began this reading? Me too.
I am contemplating this because GK asked me if I am happy. I immediately answered "of course, why wouldn't I be?" That's what grandparents of grands with anxiety issues do. We provide a facade and comfort zone that everything is okey dokey and then try to back it up with love, nurturing and understanding. But see, this is a perfect example.....was I giving her the complete answer? Was I being truthful, honest to goodness genuine with her?. Am I helping her lay a foundation for happiness? I don't know. I hope so.
There are too many variables in my life and the society I live in, where I live, how I live my life, what is happening around me, who is messing with the people I love, my past history and probably the way the sun is shining at the moment, that all have to do with how I am tettering on and doing battle with myself on this issue of happiness.
What say you my lovelies? Are you happy? Tell me, I need some happiness stories in my life right now. Give me some insight, some hope, some something to look at, reflect upon and ponder.
and BTW, this post was typed 10 days ago....so just this last part involves the boo boo wrist, ....just letting ya know.
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Whoo boy, that's a tough one. Since I'm currently fighting to get my "happy" back myself.
ReplyDeleteWhat makes me happy? Looking away from the computer to see my husband watching me with a smile on his face. Seeing the cat from H*ll curled up in an impossible position being disgustingly adorable. Looking out my windows and seeing: desert wildflowers, snowy mountains, crashing surf, pine forests, etc.(pick one). A clean house. A job well done. Crafting a pretty necklace/bracelet/pair of earrings. Making a new recipe that turns out to be delicious. Hot chocolate with a shot of peppermint schnapps. Black coffee with a shot of Irish Cream liqueur. A good haircut. A small town museum. Huge outcroppings of red rocks in central New Mexico. My kids, my grandkids. Sitting at the computer at 5:30AM with a steaming hot cup of coffee with the cat snoozing on my lap while my husband is asleep in the bedroom--that's my alone time in this tin can on wheels. Sunrises, sunsets. Peculiarly shaped clouds. Baby anythings. My camera/a good photograph. Happiness isn't always a permanent state of being for me, for now it's a lot of moments until I get my mojo back. I'm working on it.
Your story sounds like mine. It wasn't until my family had passed, and I had begun working on my genealogy, that I found out some of the family tales which had been kept from me for so many years.
ReplyDeleteWhat makes me happy today? My hubby, my sons, my feline companion, Minga...blogging, meeting all you wonderful people, the ocean, nature...reading...just to name a few.
To me, happiness is like any other emotion. It's fleeting. However, how do you feel in your heart for the most part? That's what I gauge (sp?) my peace with. I grew up in a very similar situation and was always shocked when I went to other people's houses and saw how they lived so differently than my miserable parents. I think maybe you should take the word "happy" out of the equation and focus more on your peace. When I did that, a whole new world opened up for me.
ReplyDeleteBest wishes and happy healing for your wrist.
I think I know (some) what you are saying. I grew up in a very unhappy home, both parents were alcoholics so you can surmise it was not fun or like other kids homes. Today I judge happiness by my gut and when I an not worried, scared, apprehensive etc. I feel that is what happy is, it is a feeling of peace and satisfaction and no pressing worries. A sense of calm.
ReplyDeleteMy word its like you opened up my soul and read it. Somedays its a good day to be happy and somedays its a good day to be unhappy. Right now Im not happy our fruit trees froze. Happpy days will be here again. I hope you have a good week and many blessings.
ReplyDeleteHappiness is a state of mind...it comes and goes depending on what state you are in at the moment...like any emotion it changes very rapidly...do you smile often? most likely you are happy...can you relax and enjoy a moment? most likely you are happy...do things bother you sometimes? But as along as that feeling leaves and the balance comes back, you're happy...happy can not be analyzed...it changes too often...just enjoy the times that you are happy...and you'll be happy...make sense?? didn't think so...I'm happy though...good childhood (had it's problems)... good marriage (for the most part)...good kids and grandkids...enough money...blogging friends...remember, nothing is forever...enjoy it, smile, be happy...it's all in your head...
ReplyDeleteFirst off thanks for visiting TNS and leaving such a nice comment.
ReplyDeleteI am a glass half full person so I am happy most of the time. When a loved one suffers is perhaps the only time I am unhappy.
If something bad happens to me, I just assume it will go away eventually and don't worry. Usually as time passes, it is totally forgotten or becomes a funny story in retrospect.
I was blessed with loving and happy parents. Pretty sure that helps a lot.
Because I have cataplexy, I can not laugh like a normal person without falling down, so I sometimes think because I am not laughing like I used to that I am unhappy....but that is not so....for me happiness is the feeling of contentment. I have had many hardships in life, and because I know the difference and have grown spiritually because of it, I feel happy.,
ReplyDeleteI just settle into every day and try to live that day to my best. Every day is different. I have learned at my lowest place that there are always better days ahead, and that everything has a way of working out, maybe not as we think it should, but maybe there are better things ahead. sorry I am getting rambling when I am tired. With utmost respect at your honesty. hugs, we will find happiness, you might already have it...knowing it and feeling it are two different things.