Last night's moon...........

Full moon always has a profound effect on me. I know the pull is inside me just like the ocean being pulled by the moon. But last night, I had to take it in, in a different manner.

my energy works photo

We always celebrate the full moon with song and merriment, which we did, some more than others. The grands see it as a way to fun activity. I see it as a way to reconnect with what has gone on during the waxing and plan for the waning. They observe and note the changes around them.They are really good season keepers. If when they are grown, they gain nothing more from "my practices", I hope and it would be my fondest wish that they look back on our shared times of notations. The comings and goings of season, moon and our time together.

And because of my recent entanglement with depression, I owed them apologies for bad behavior based on nothing more than my inability to control myself. I'm not ashamed of it, how could I be? It is not my fault that I have depression. I am fully responsible for my actions but not for the stresses that my disorder puts on me and then I in turn pass it along, unfortunately. So I had a need to share with them.

And so I added a bit to the usual order of celebration because of Sweet Man. He is such a dear man. My life partner and crutch. He has picked me up, literally and figuratively more times than I can count. But that is another tale for another day. Anyway, he woke up yesterday morning and said, "you know, you and I have been so busy trying to live life that we have forgotten how to live."

I was flabbergasted by his remark. I thought he hadn't heard the whispers I've been hearing. I didn't think he had the visitation by time that I have been having lately. But the dear man verbalized what my heart and head have been fully aware of for some time. So because of his brilliance, I asked the kiddos if we could include a deeper reflection time in our observance of the lovely moon.

The only question was......will we do this every moon please? So we gave our sorrys and our triumphs to the lady and to each other and made our ritual deeper. And now we will not only share what has gone on around us but in us as well.

I'm ready now for life. I turned a corner. Happy, sad, depressed, manic, in love, angry, scared, open, honest, truthful and raw. It does not matter so long as I am participating in life not watching it march past me like a parade. I am the builder of my own float in life's parade and I just need to practice my beauty queen wave a little more........tee hee

Happy Thanksgiving to you all...............

I hope the day of cooking, eating and enjoying (hopefully) will be the best ever for all of you.

GK and I worked some food magic today and will share it tomorrow with the rest of the residents of Casa de Cuckoo. Not a traditional fare but a good balanced meal with some extra tweeks here and there.

Thought I'd let you all know that my computer came round, my addy book is still missing but all of you sweethearts rallied round this old crone and helped me recreate a lot of my book, and my mood is lifting to a tolerable level as I end this hectic day.

Smooches and squoozes, Oma Linda

I am completely un, dis and less.................

When I woke up this morning and looked out of my bedroom window the weather outside was exactly how I feel inside. Dreary.

This particular bout of "ick" has been coming on now for at least a week. I could feel the tentacles of depression strangling every bright and happy thought I could muster. I forced myself to do everything. Didn't give a big one about anything.

Let me say, it is not having to send Odin across the rainbow bridge. It is not losing my address book and certain other people's things that needed to be sent to them. It is not having stomache flu, or my crap visit to the doctor or the miriade of other things that have gone awry during the retrograde......

All of the above was typed on my brand new computer....right up to the moment it crashed.

I rest my case.

I walked into my daughter's bedroom and she asked how I was and I had no words.

I just bought the computer what 8 weeks ago? Oh well, it is just the icing on the the cake.

Some thoughts at the beginning of a new year.....

I'm going to share these thoughts and ideas with you because I can.

my kitchen window sill, my collection of glass bottles and pretties and my Goddess stained glass

Reflection and contemplation are all a part of how I like to spend the "between time". This season always brings me back to the center of my life and allows me to do some psychic housecleaning. Sometimes that voyage is easier than other times. I am not a self accepting sort. I am hyper critical of me and can be unforgiving of my errors in judgement or action.

When I was younger, I told Sweet Man that I couldn't sleep at night because my "wrong doings" which I labeled as wooley boogers kept me awake. I would mull over mistakes and make them even bigger with each encounter in the dark and quiet of going to sleep. The song lyrics, "regrets, I've had a few" didn't even sum up how I felt.

I have since learned to let go of most of the wooley boogers and focus on the now. But there are times that I am reminded of past transgression or misdeed and the old guilt button is triggered. As much as I would like to say I have outgrown that.....the answer is indeed NO. Self forgiveness and lack of regret will always stay just out of arm's length for me.

Most of my own sense of "unforgiveness" has to do with childhood episodes. Many of you have shared your own stories on your blogs and I can relate to so many of them. Cold mothers, abusive fathers, distant brothers and sisters, non existent extended families all ring true in my life as well. And as odd as it may sound to you, I have problems honoring my ancients and grapple with that part of the season. I can thank my grandparents for making it genetically possible for me being here, but that is it. I can thank my parents for making it possible for my life, but that is it. I long for a sense of  ancestral family in the blood sense but have chosen a different path than the existing blood relatives I have and never see any of them. Makes for some lonely thoughts (all too self serving, I fear).

And then I look at the lovely family that I have in my husband, daughter and grands and am guilty for feeling needy. They are more than I can ever be grateful enough about. They do not fit the ancestor role and I continue to look for ways to be a "good ancestor" for them. And this time of year gives me a chance to develop more and more ways to be the good example that I never had. To be the kind of person that my grands children (to be if that is their fate) will be able to talk about with pride not whispers or silence.

Which only serves to keep me honestly working for inner peace and self acceptance.

This time of year so many of us pick a word....or have it pick us, to focus upon in the coming year...it is pretty obvious that mine will need to be acceptance. In big giant jumps or tiny baby steps, I will take acceptance in this coming year.