a question and answer forum.....for the time being. All things change and become something else if there is growth even Olde Baggs.

Sunday, November 4, 2012

Some thoughts at the beginning of a new year.....

I'm going to share these thoughts and ideas with you because I can.
my kitchen window sill, my collection of glass bottles and pretties and my Goddess stained glass
Reflection and contemplation are all a part of how I like to spend the "between time". This season always brings me back to the center of my life and allows me to do some psychic housecleaning. Sometimes that voyage is easier than other times. I am not a self accepting sort. I am hyper critical of me and can be unforgiving of my errors in judgement or action.

When I was younger, I told Sweet Man that I couldn't sleep at night because my "wrong doings" which I labeled as wooley boogers kept me awake. I would mull over mistakes and make them even bigger with each encounter in the dark and quiet of going to sleep. The song lyrics, "regrets, I've had a few" didn't even sum up how I felt.

I have since learned to let go of most of the wooley boogers and focus on the now. But there are times that I am reminded of past transgression or misdeed and the old guilt button is triggered. As much as I would like to say I have outgrown that.....the answer is indeed NO. Self forgiveness and lack of regret will always stay just out of arm's length for me.

Most of my own sense of "unforgiveness" has to do with childhood episodes. Many of you have shared your own stories on your blogs and I can relate to so many of them. Cold mothers, abusive fathers, distant brothers and sisters, non existent extended families all ring true in my life as well. And as odd as it may sound to you, I have problems honoring my ancients and grapple with that part of the season. I can thank my grandparents for making it genetically possible for me being here, but that is it. I can thank my parents for making it possible for my life, but that is it. I long for a sense of  ancestral family in the blood sense but have chosen a different path than the existing blood relatives I have and never see any of them. Makes for some lonely thoughts (all too self serving, I fear).

And then I look at the lovely family that I have in my husband, daughter and grands and am guilty for feeling needy. They are more than I can ever be grateful enough about. They do not fit the ancestor role and I continue to look for ways to be a "good ancestor" for them. And this time of year gives me a chance to develop more and more ways to be the good example that I never had. To be the kind of person that my grands children (to be if that is their fate) will be able to talk about with pride not whispers or silence.

Which only serves to keep me honestly working for inner peace and self acceptance.

This time of year so many of us pick a word....or have it pick us, to focus upon in the coming year...it is pretty obvious that mine will need to be acceptance. In big giant jumps or tiny baby steps, I will take acceptance in this coming year.


  1. Every once in awhile those old thoughts pop up unbidden. So far, I can think about them briefly (when they surprise me with their appearance)& dismiss them by thinking how I will do things differently should the situation appear. Really can't focus, then it's time for cross-stitch. Always a comfort:) Speaking with my ancestors bothers me as well. I just find it incredibly difficult to believe that people who would be appalled at my spiritual tendencies would change so radically after death.

  2. It isn't possible to live a perfect life, a life without regrets. Even Jesus lost his temper and beat merchants in the temple. Since perfection isn't possible, it can't be the goal. I think the goal is balance and harmony. And yes...acceptance. Love yourself enough to forgive yourself for whatever is troubling you.

  3. Your words so often mirror my own and it's obvious we both are seeking the same things from life. I still have trouble accepting the path I was given to travel and now that I've been on it for as long as I have I wonder if I follow your example and work at taking baby steps I may get to where I want to be.

  4. To me your wanting acceptance for yourself is wonderful. Perhaps you can blend compassion into it, which is accepting the wooly boogers with love and understanding. Your kids and grand kids are SO lucky to have you Oma!

  5. I too have issues with the ancestor portion of this time of year, as those who have passed are unknown to me as more than just name. And often, when I think too much on this at this time of year a special breed of wooly boogers comes to roost in my head and make me feel guilty for not having more of a relationship with them. Which was in no way my fault as I was a child and young teen when most passed on, but still that lingering regret remains. And so each year, come Samhain and Dia de Los Muertos, I work at putting those boogers to rest and little by little it's working. I still long for that connection and wish I had more knowledge and ties to my ancestors, but the burden of my own misguided guilt lessens each year.

    And from one worst personal critic to another; we can walk the acceptance path together. Now that I've healed a little and grown a lot, it's time to learn to accept and maybe - in wee tiny baby steps - love myself.

    P.S. That family of yours, both with you and those far off (like myself!) are all damn lucky to have such a wise and wonderful woman in their life. xox

  6. Self acceptance is a tough one for me also. Though I'm not as bad as I used to be. When my mother died, I cried. Not because I was going to miss her because we were close. We were not. She was a selfish and self centered person who had no affection to spare for her kids, at least not her daughters. I cried when she died because with her death all possibility of having the kind of mother I wanted so badly was gone.

  7. Good for you Oma Linda. Life is hard! Know you are a loved woman! For me, I know my father wishes he could do it all over again and have different children. I just look at him and accept him for who he is. I don't want to have regrets like that! I feel that's his life! Sometimes, I wish things could be different, but I have to live my life! And, cherish the love I have around me! I am thankful! Big Hugs ;o)
    (I will be back this weekend to read your story!)

  8. Guilt. She is a bitch isn't she. Her best friend is worry. There are times they both bombard me and I want to curl up in a ball, and I do. I feel they will always be a part of me. They are a part of everyone, women much more so then men (in my humble opinion). We are the caretakers, the ones who are brave enough to accept and face our emotions. Like childbirth, the pain is unbearable but the gift is unimaginable joy. To forgive, even if just for a day, is lifting.


You are always welcome to comment on my thoughts and I love them all......