|my kitchen window sill, my collection of glass bottles and pretties and my Goddess stained glass|
When I was younger, I told Sweet Man that I couldn't sleep at night because my "wrong doings" which I labeled as wooley boogers kept me awake. I would mull over mistakes and make them even bigger with each encounter in the dark and quiet of going to sleep. The song lyrics, "regrets, I've had a few" didn't even sum up how I felt.
I have since learned to let go of most of the wooley boogers and focus on the now. But there are times that I am reminded of past transgression or misdeed and the old guilt button is triggered. As much as I would like to say I have outgrown that.....the answer is indeed NO. Self forgiveness and lack of regret will always stay just out of arm's length for me.
Most of my own sense of "unforgiveness" has to do with childhood episodes. Many of you have shared your own stories on your blogs and I can relate to so many of them. Cold mothers, abusive fathers, distant brothers and sisters, non existent extended families all ring true in my life as well. And as odd as it may sound to you, I have problems honoring my ancients and grapple with that part of the season. I can thank my grandparents for making it genetically possible for me being here, but that is it. I can thank my parents for making it possible for my life, but that is it. I long for a sense of ancestral family in the blood sense but have chosen a different path than the existing blood relatives I have and never see any of them. Makes for some lonely thoughts (all too self serving, I fear).
And then I look at the lovely family that I have in my husband, daughter and grands and am guilty for feeling needy. They are more than I can ever be grateful enough about. They do not fit the ancestor role and I continue to look for ways to be a "good ancestor" for them. And this time of year gives me a chance to develop more and more ways to be the good example that I never had. To be the kind of person that my grands children (to be if that is their fate) will be able to talk about with pride not whispers or silence.
Which only serves to keep me honestly working for inner peace and self acceptance.
This time of year so many of us pick a word....or have it pick us, to focus upon in the coming year...it is pretty obvious that mine will need to be acceptance. In big giant jumps or tiny baby steps, I will take acceptance in this coming year.