My very dear friend's Mother just died. I would use the term past away but I just can't bring myself to phrase it that way. That is probably because I worked in the funeral industry for years and heard all kinds of phrasiology for death.
Not physically being able to attend to her Mother's memorial service is very painful for her as it would be for any of us. My advice to my friend was to write a letter to her Mother about her feelings.
We all have been faced with this reality and the loss of any loved one is hard and complex in the way we face it. Along with the stages of grief is the need to have closure and that is different for each of us. Some are able to move through and beyond grief quickly while others have a more difficult road to hoe when it comes to letting go. All are acceptable and needed, it just depends on where the mourner is at that time.
I have found in my 6 decades on this planet, that in order for me to shut the door on painful situations, I have a need to write my feelings down and then let the feelings go. I know this technique does not work for everyone but I have always found comfort in seeing the "hurt" in words and then either burning it, shredding it or in some cases mailing it to myself (this technique gives me time to let go).
Advise is not directive. When something has worked for me, I pass that information forward in hopes that I can spare someone else discomfort. It may not be what works for you but peace is something we all seek.
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I've often advised my clients to write the letter. Many of them have deceased loved ones whom they have never been able to make amends with so I tell them to pour out their feelings and then burning it to send it out into the universe.
ReplyDeleteMary
I'm so sorry for your loss. I hope that your friend can find peace. One of my son's friends lost his mother in a horrible accident just yesterday. She was my age.
ReplyDeleteThe death of my Mama was probably the hardest thing I have ever gone through and and it took me MANY years to complete my grieving process and some days I'm not even sure I have. She'd had a rough life and it seemed so unfair that she died so young. It was also a transitional period for me anyway having just turned 40.
Mama was diagnosed with lung cancer and died not very long after, so she had already been suffering in silence for many years - but that was her way. Shortly after her death I had a few traumatic life experiences myself regarding loss in some form and it was not a great time there for many years.
While Mama was sick and in her last days I used a journal - something I'd done periodically through my life anyway - to express my thoughts and feelings and found that it really helped. Sometimes the writings were in the voice of me "talking" to her. Course these days you can do this online with a blog whether you want to take it private or put it out there for the world to read! But, like you, I have had times where I took old journals (especially from my much younger years) and burned them in order to let things go too! I guess these days you would just delete the blog but seems there is something missing in the letting go of that!!
Writing letters is a good way to work through a lot of situations, not just death of a loved one.
ReplyDeleteLetters won't do it for me...I've tried keeping a journal, never had anything to put in it even though lots was happening in my life...can't put anything into written words...a few words is all I seem to be able to put down at a time...
ReplyDeleteI have found the letter writing thing, works wonderfully, as well.
ReplyDeleteI am so very sorry that there is pain in your life right now. *huggles to you and yours*
The loss of a loved one can be very debilitating. I go through phases and this year has been rough. I keep telling myself that I have to go on because life is just too short. I cry it out, write it out, post it out, because if I held it in I definitely would be crying all the time. Sorry about your friends loss. My condolences to her and you. Take care amiga.
ReplyDeleteI am very sorry for your loss. Please take care of yourself,
ReplyDeleteJane
Well, hello - thanks for visiting my blog today. I loved your comment. I never do anything like that, but I was so hot and tired. And she just didn’t care. I lost my mind - what was left of it by that time!
ReplyDeleteI am sorry about your friends loss - I agree and ahve done the letter writing many many times. It does help.
Love,
sandie
Lovelies: Thanks so much for you commiserations. It is always good to feel like maybe what I have written in a good thing. Each one of you has been kind enough to share your thoughts and your own losses and I am priviledged to have you as followers. I trust you will have a good weekend. As my new friend at PAN Kyleigh said it Huggles............Linda
ReplyDeleteYou are a wise woman. I know writing it out in the form of blogging has worked for me in the past. No matter the form of letting go of your emotions be they grief, hate or anger the relief when you let the toxins out of your system is like having the world lifted off your shoulders.
ReplyDelete