I am trying out a new pair of attitude glasses. Not really a pair of actual glasses but a new approach to viewing what is around me. I am afraid that I have missed alot of important moments as of late. Or maybe not missed them but just overlooked them. Sorta like skimming when you read. You hit all the high points but miss the actual instructions.
The other day I received an email letting me know I had won yet another giveaway. I didn't even remember entering another giveaway. When I went back and really read the information, I had in fact because of my participation in an event been entered to win some really cute things. And in fact had won something great. But the point is, I missed it, completely.
So, being who I am, I started questioning what else am I missing by just participating in live at a "dip your toe" depth. And I am sorry to say that I am missing alot. I kinda listen, sorta care, barely attend and have lost site of lots of the things that happen that hold importance in a human being's life......if lived fully. I need to be in attendance more fully on so many levels.
The afore mentioned winning is not the only indicator, but what is happening in my bloggie friends lives, how I am not participating in my community, how I have lost track of what I desire, and I know I know why. I am reliving to a greater or lesser degree the kind of shut down of spirit that happens with many people who suffer chronic pain. I'm not talking about arthritis or fibromyalgia but chronic emotional pain.
As hard as it is for some of you and how easy it is for others to grasp, I, even at 61 have not gotten over some of the childhood abuse that I was dealt. I have gotten down the road, blocked some out of my memory, filed some away in a file named "fish heads" and tried to ignore and "be mature" about alot of it. I have faced more in the last 6 months than in the 50 something years before. Now I am not bringing this up for any other reason than to stare it in the face and say, I still need an attitude adjustment. Even if most of my abusers are dead, the abuse still has life. Even though I am an old broad, the little girl in me is still upset. Even though I have been able to heal so very much as of late, there is still the "fish head" file that needs to be cleaned up and filed permanently filed away.
I just read blogs from two others who have travelled similar roads and paths. I had been avoiding "feeling" for someone else because of my everyday in my face realizations with Ry. I sometimes feel like I just can't take anymore pain. But instead of worse, I feel free after reading someone else's story. This island that Ry and Gerea and I live on is bigger, deeper, wider and more populated than I see some days and so that's why I need to put on my more involved, more caring, more sharing glasses and let the attitude adjustment take over.
I appreciate all of you for reading, even if some of you go screaming into the night or shake your head and say, "again"?. I know that some like me take little pieces of whatever is discussed and do something else with it. You are wise and wonderful my lovelies, much love, The Olde Bagg