I am trying out a new pair of attitude glasses. Not really a pair of actual glasses but a new approach to viewing what is around me. I am afraid that I have missed alot of important moments as of late. Or maybe not missed them but just overlooked them. Sorta like skimming when you read. You hit all the high points but miss the actual instructions.
The other day I received an email letting me know I had won yet another giveaway. I didn't even remember entering another giveaway. When I went back and really read the information, I had in fact because of my participation in an event been entered to win some really cute things. And in fact had won something great. But the point is, I missed it, completely.
So, being who I am, I started questioning what else am I missing by just participating in live at a "dip your toe" depth. And I am sorry to say that I am missing alot. I kinda listen, sorta care, barely attend and have lost site of lots of the things that happen that hold importance in a human being's life......if lived fully. I need to be in attendance more fully on so many levels.
The afore mentioned winning is not the only indicator, but what is happening in my bloggie friends lives, how I am not participating in my community, how I have lost track of what I desire, and I know I know why. I am reliving to a greater or lesser degree the kind of shut down of spirit that happens with many people who suffer chronic pain. I'm not talking about arthritis or fibromyalgia but chronic emotional pain.
As hard as it is for some of you and how easy it is for others to grasp, I, even at 61 have not gotten over some of the childhood abuse that I was dealt. I have gotten down the road, blocked some out of my memory, filed some away in a file named "fish heads" and tried to ignore and "be mature" about alot of it. I have faced more in the last 6 months than in the 50 something years before. Now I am not bringing this up for any other reason than to stare it in the face and say, I still need an attitude adjustment. Even if most of my abusers are dead, the abuse still has life. Even though I am an old broad, the little girl in me is still upset. Even though I have been able to heal so very much as of late, there is still the "fish head" file that needs to be cleaned up and filed permanently filed away.
I just read blogs from two others who have travelled similar roads and paths. I had been avoiding "feeling" for someone else because of my everyday in my face realizations with Ry. I sometimes feel like I just can't take anymore pain. But instead of worse, I feel free after reading someone else's story. This island that Ry and Gerea and I live on is bigger, deeper, wider and more populated than I see some days and so that's why I need to put on my more involved, more caring, more sharing glasses and let the attitude adjustment take over.
I appreciate all of you for reading, even if some of you go screaming into the night or shake your head and say, "again"?. I know that some like me take little pieces of whatever is discussed and do something else with it. You are wise and wonderful my lovelies, much love, The Olde Bagg
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I wonder if you had to suffer the abuse so that you would be strong enough to deal with the problems that would arise later in your life...
ReplyDeleteChildhood abuse does not go away. If you are like me, you learn to deal and to move on, but even now, things pop into my head that send me into a spin.
ReplyDeleteMary
Mary, thanks for corrobrating my feelings. Popping up it does.
ReplyDeleteJudy: I believe what you said is absolute. Without our past, good, bad or whatever, we would not be who we are. I thank the fates for how they have enabled me to be strong enough to face what I have to with my grands.
Several factors have changed the way I look at life now:
ReplyDelete1) age, wisdom and experience (learning from mistakes)
2. moving from a busy Southern California environment into a one-horse town (actually it really has more than one horse)
3. Becoming very ill and disabled (was in a wheelchair for a year) and learning humilty, patience and the value of time.
I know some poeple can't help themselves (or think they can't) but it takes effort and work to stop and listen to others and your surroundings. Some people are simply not there yet -
I think you look at things very deeply, but maybe you believe it could be even deeper. I agree that an attitude change is always welcome, no matter the situation, just don't be too hard on yourself. I cannot imagine how I would deal with a childhood abuse, but I clearly see you are this strong lady who faces it and it is not ashamed to bring it to surface. This is much more than many people can do. Spill this as many times as you want/need, that's what this place and your friends are for!
ReplyDeleteKisses and much love from us.
Linda,just feel and be and work your way through it at your own speed in your own way. hugs to you my friend. I see you as a strong woman too.to deal with your past working through it so you have better tomorrows. take care.
ReplyDeleteLinda, We share a similar past in so many ways. I think I have it under control and overcome to a great extent and then something happens and there it is again. The thing that helps me the most is acknowledging the past and how it effects my behavior today and then trying to not have the same reaction by stopping and thinking it through before I respond.
ReplyDeleteI need to be in attendance more fully on so many levels
ReplyDeletei for one am right with you on this...you summed up my feelings quite nicely and have shed light on me needing to reawaken myself...no one is shaking their head at you...what you have been through and have experienced are real...raw wmotions that have robbed the innocence of a child right out of you..you are human to feel as you do...i couldn't imagine dealing with such...and then never looking back or having it come up to haunt me from time to time...i have never experienced such but the minor things that have happened in my life...things i thought i have dealt with still lay deep within me...i don't know if one can ever fully release and walk never being reminded of such...linda i raise my hand to you and honor you for your honesty and truth you speak...sharing such intimate feelings with us is proof that you are trying to overcome the past...my l♥ve and friendship are with you always...brightest blessings~
I came. I read. I did not run screaming. I just feel for you and can sense that you know what you need to do to find peace.
ReplyDeleteNot to mention, everytime this subject is brought up, it only serves to help those who haven't tackled it to come one step closer. I applaud you.
You are so much stronger than you realize. As other blogs have helped you, so will yours help others.
ReplyDeleteI have a lot of catching up to do here.
word vert: axidessy. What one says while tossing an infant into the air.
i love how honest you are in your blog. I wish I had some great words of wisdom, but I dont. I do have a story I can tell you though. I took a class at college once, it was like some self awareness thing of somesort.. I barely remember most of it. but I do remember one lesson. Dr Mosier had us all eat a raisin. yes, a raisin.. very slowly, with our eyes closed and he told us to really concentrate on the experience. to feel the texture, taste the sweetness, etc.. Well, first of all, I thought that I didnt like raisins and I thought it was the dumbest exercise ever. What was interesting was that 1) I found out that I actually liked raisins! and 2) that I had never really given that much thought to something so simple as to chewing a raisin and it was actually quite enjoyable and satisfying. 3) the real lesson.. I became very aware of all the little things that pass me by every single day, somethings that deserve no thought at all, but other things that might actually be sweet and might actually add some pleasure to my life if I am aware and paying attention. (am I blathering on and on here?) anyways.. the key is to live consciously. always trying to be aware of lifes smallest moments, because we miss out on so very much when we are rushing from one thing to the next without really giving much thought at all to what is happening to us or around us at any given moment. I dont think Ive ever talked about that raisin class before, lol! Anyways, I hope this little thing I just scribbled off here makes some sense to you and actually fits into what you were saying! Live Consciously my friend! (though I do have to admit there are a lot of times that I prefer the blinders and to not pay attention or to acknowlege things too! LOL!
ReplyDeletehave a great week
vivian