a question and answer forum.....for the time being. All things change and become something else if there is growth even Olde Baggs.

Thursday, January 28, 2010

This must have been a practice run

I have shared my "ugly" abuse with you and you all have been more than kind to me. It has helped me to face it but I must tell you that it has also come with another tentacle. I envision this past event like an octopus sort of creature.

After really looking at "our", Shelley, the kids, and me, episodes, it is apparent that we need to address this with the children's counselors. Not something I look forward to doing but a necessary thing for them. If it will help them get on down the road to recovery and wholeness I am all for it. And yes you do sense a but.

I am wondering and worrying about my wholeness. I don't think I have integrated all of my "ugly" especially in view of the children's problems. I have had some really strong reactions to stressful situations. Some have been way out of proportion to the incidents and now I am being asked to go to the kids sessions. I am frightened.

I will do it. Right now, I don't know if I can do itThere is a saying, if wishes we horses then beggars would ride. I wish I could take it all away from the kids and I know that my going and participating in their sessions could very well do that, but I am scared. Of what I am not sure. Oh yes, I am sure I know....pain. Real gut wrenching awareness pain. It makes me sound so shallow and petty thinking of me but I am. 

So once again, there is the truth...I don't like it but there it is. I am scared of having to face my past again through helping the kids deal with there own personal pain. Yikes, what a coward.

Do any of you have suggestion for protection or preparedness for this thing that has to be done? If so, I would so appreciate it. I am in a fog right now with this hanging over me. I do know that venting through blogging has given me insights I didn't have before so I am open for whatever suggestions you may have as well.


  1. Wish I could give you some magic words that would make it all go away. The only thing that comes to my mind is suit up, show up, do the footwork and soon you will be through it and I know once you have dealt with this it can go away and finally be put to rest. Don't think about the what can happen, just deal with what is put in front of you at the moment.

  2. Of course you're afraid and feeling this huge butterfly and its wings inside your stomach. But why to keep it any longer? plit it out, afraid and all (I know, so easy to say!), and get rid of it. What's eating you inside is the silence you forced yourself for such a long time, and the misplaced guilt. The worst - the abuse - alreay happened, andnothing can change it, and nothing worse than that can happen to you if you go to the sessions and speak up. It will do wonders to you, believe me. You are strong enough to face it.

    Kisses from us.

  3. ~to walk down that road again...haunting...scary...but as you said you have freed yourself...so it can't hurt you anymore than what you allow it too...i wish i could wave a wand and take such cruelty away from all of you and everyone who has ever been there...i feel for you to go with such young ones would be ever so much more to them...for them to realise they are not alone...that life can move forward...that you can trust and love wholeheartedly...you would be giving them such a lifetime gift...i can only send you wishing of strength...much love and light...no matter what you chose...your choice was made for a reason...brightest blessings~


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