a question and answer forum.....for the time being. All things change and become something else if there is growth even Olde Baggs.

Thursday, January 21, 2010


I realize that I will never have an answer to the question I am about to pose but in the spirit of getting all the "ugly" out of my system, I must.

Why, if the "older" females in my family had been molested by my father, did they not try to save the younger females from the same fate?

My Mother must not have believed my sister's claim when she voiced her complaint to Mother. My Sis kept her own daughter, six years my junior, away from him. I'm not seeking any kind of pity party attendance here, I am just pondering. In my case, I repressed my memories or at least that's what my counselors have told me.

I've told you that I had my awakening after my Mother died so there was no asking her. But I did ask my Sis. Said she'd get back to me on that and it's been 5 years now, so I guess that I'm not getting an answer there either. The one thing my Sis did say was that she hadn't wanted to get on Mother's wrong side so that's why she never talked with Mother about her own abuse at his hands other than the initial complaint.

I have made every excuse I can think of for them, all of them, my parents, siblings, relatives, neighbors, friends of my parents. I have been so angry and betrayed and abandoned but that's crap. It boils down to this. I couldn't handle the abuse any other way than to cram it down inside of me as a child but the others were awake, in attendance, living and looking and chose to do nothing (for whatever lame ass excuse).

Today, at this moment, I choose to never forgive them for what they didn't do but I do forgive myself for accepting guilt over all this for all these years. This damn ugly fear/guilt weighs 100 extra pounds of body weight, has taken the best years of my life and happiness and I will not let "it" have any other sacrifices in order to appease this pain. I am at this moment free from "it" forever.


  1. That's a question that can never really be answered. I, too, had a troubled childhood, but I was an only child with no one to rely on. Later, when I tried to talk to my mom (didn't bring it up until I was an adult), she told me I was lying, that HE said it was't true. Took me a long time to forgive. I only regret that I was never able to say it in person.

  2. I am so sorry about what you went through. Those who were supposed to protect you let you down. But your attitude towards it is very healthy which shows your strenth.
    Brightest healing blessings!

  3. Don't you dare feel guilty - you were a victim but now you are a strong wonderful woman who can do anything. ((((((Hug))))))

  4. I'm so sorry for all this, I won't lie I know what you feel because I can' imagine anything of the ind happening to me. I can only say that you're really strong to get to this point of your life and say "enough"! Most people don't get close to it. You're free from guilt (never should feel it), and free to live your life without this weight on your shoulders.

    Kisses from Nydia.

  5. ~may you ALWAYS feel the freeness you are now...letting go and moving forward...if "it" sneeks back in the door...give it a swift kick in the A** and send it on its ugly way...to become aware and free yourself from the guilt and pain is such an amazing step...my mother still holds onto a situation very ugly...it has been over 30 years and its very existence that she allows to live has robbed her of such joy in her life...brightest blessings and may you move forward with ease and only love in your heart~


You are always welcome to comment on my thoughts and I love them all......