The photo of me in the groovy red pant suit is just before I married Joe in 1972. We had gone to Colorado and were at the Royal Gorge. Joe is afraid of heights and the Royal Gorge Bridge as you can see behind me in the photo is really high up over the gorge. Bless his heart, even height didn't keep him from doing what I wanted to do......it was a little longer coming back to the other side though. I thought we were going to have to spend the night there. Poor fella, love makes ya do dumb things.
After talking about my hippy self and sorority girl self here, alter egos in college, I was asked by a nosey lot of you to show my old self. Never in a million years did I think that doing so would cause such emotion inside me. And I'm not unhappy about that. It was good to do some soul cleaning in some of the dark recesses of my mind. I just didn't expect it to affect me so. After all, I was only looking for old pictures. Right? uh......yeah.
If you had said to me that I still had baggage from that time in my life, I would have called you nutz. My trauma didn't come from that time. It was when I was a young child. By the time I got into college I was pretty screwed up alright but had already learned the social cues to getting along. I must have been pretty good at it because I lead a double life. Actually, as I have come to realize, I've been doing that since I was very young. I wouldn't call it telling untruths....I would call it keeping the truth at bay.
Being a child of sexual and verbal abuse has given me a life of double edged swords. On the one side, I have been angry for much of my life. Acted out that anger in all the wrong places. Haven't trusted when I should have. And didn't believe my own worth and value (I still work on that one daily but I am so much better). On the other side of the sword, I have always had compassion for the wronged. Loved working with teens because I never got past that mind set of me against the world (honest, it was a great thing for being able to get inside their heads and ignore camoflage behavior). Now I can relate to so many people who also were forced to live a hidden life. And am equipped to be the Oma to children who needed me to be able to understand. That part I wish were not true but I am glad I do have the experiential knowledge to see their points of view.
The reason I am sharing this with you is because of a new lesson I learned. I can. That's it.
I have had boxes of pictures of my childhood, teenage years, young married life and all of them were frightening to me. I didn't know what kind of muck I would stir up if I were to look at them. Well now I know.......lots of muck, some scary feelings, some smiles, some "what was I thinking?" and also some (and this one is the most amazing) wow, I wasn't nearly as ugly as I thought I was.
My Mother had a saying that has stuck with me up to this moment...."Don't be ugly Linda Sybil". That is what she would say to make me behave, come around to her way of thinking, not embarrass her, be who she wished I was. Which was thin, pretty, charming, and smart. The thing is...after all these years I wish I could have told her that I wasn't ugly and that 3 out of 4 ain't bad. I have always been pretty, charming and smart in my own way with a side order of chubby.
I need to thank Stacy, Magaly and Debra for asking me to share what I looked like when I was younger. If it had not been for your sweet curiousity, I would not have worked out one of the last of the puzzle pieces that makes me.......authentically me. I also have to thank Marie Segal for posting a link on Facebook to EFT(Emotional Freedom Technique) link here.....http://youtu.be/X4EDgTc0AyQ tapping may be my new drug. It is so soothing and calming. The whole Cuckoo clan is taking advantage of it...(check it out) Blessings to all.
And don't think I haven't worked every protection on all that old stuff, juju abounded and is now contained. My mood is growing stronger with the approach of the full moon.....my moon, the one that will set my "okness" free.