Putting one foot in front of the other and not falling over has been.....ummmm difficult at best. I am still in the throws of an episode of the evil dr porkchop of depression. One moment I'm fine and the next I am crying or screaming. That is a statement I started to type two days ago, before I asked for help.
Now today, I am still depressed and still am wobbly but much more in tune with the now. I'm still not up for a game of mental tag or let's go fight a dragon but with the help of some powerful magick, positive thoughts, good loving friends, I am focused outward not inward. I know from my past episodes that I am in the midst not on the outside edge of this mess.
I hate this beast. I am appalled that I can't as a grown woman just get on down the road when this happens. But as so many of you know, it just has to run it course and that is the name of that tune. Migraines with auras, fibro assault, joint dysfunction, light sensitivity, noise aversion and the ever present lethargy.
Joe told the grands today when he took them to summer recreation program that when Shelley was little I was a crazy fun person always causing trouble for the citizenry but that pain has taken that from me. Ry wanted to know why I was grumpy. Joe told him that I wasn't grumpy just not able to get around the pain long enough to be happy and fun.
Gerea is old enough to understand that I don't want to be this way. Ry is still trying to figure out how the cuckoo woman he enjoys messing with is playing hide and seek with him but not in a fun way. I take advantage of the good times to do important things like enjoying their company and making special moments with them. Because with this ugly beast, one day I'm here, the next.....not so much. Then Ry told Joe that maybe if I found the right doctor he could give me some happiness pills. Ones that would make my pain go away. Can you tell he is a child of this era?
I love my husband for trying to explain all this because he is a wise old ass er man....he said he'd talk to me and see if I would give in and go to the Dr. and see if I could get some non pain somethings. My dears......if only. I need a roadmap to find one. Anyone got a map?
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I'm sorry to hear that, but I do understand. I've gone through agony for over a year, non-stop when I was stuck in a wheel-chair and I hurt day and night. Let me tell you, it took the fun right out of me and it occurred to me that God in his infinite wisdom made sure I was single at that miserable time in my life because I would have driven a husband away. I could not stand myself, so why in the world would anyone else? I wanted to see nobody because I knew I was no fun .... I got tired of hearing myself saying "I'm hurting" whenever someone asked, so I know what pain can do to a person!
ReplyDeleteI will pray for your speedy recovery or at least some medication that can help you more than it can hurt. Hang in there!
With compassion and love,
Doris (and Gizzy)
depression and pain suck. makes me think of the commercial about how depression effects those around us and it shows the pet dog waiting for its owner to feel better. i do hope your find your way out soon. I know its not easy to do. I'll send up a prayer for you today and I do hope you will find a good doctor with a helpful script!
ReplyDeletehang in there.
xoxo
vivian
I am so very sorry to hear that you are hurting. I use to feel the same way about medicines. But you know what? They do help and will ease the pain, it doesn't take it away, but it does ease it and makes us better people to be around. I hope that your doctor gets you something that works for you. If you can't get pain management from your doctor, get another doctor. Wishing you to be pain free!
ReplyDelete(((HUGS)))
I'm sorry that you are going through this again, but at least you have the support and love of a very understanding man and grands who are trying their best to figure it out. I know you don't want to go the meds route, but I love that Ry wanted you to find some happy pills. Were it so easy, indeed. Perhaps some donkey love is in order?
ReplyDeleteSorry you're feeling the way your feeling, my friend. Depression sucks and then add the pain from fibro, it really SUCKS!! You're doing what you have to do, though...one day at a time, or living moment to moment.
ReplyDeleteLoves ya,
G
i deal with some of these things myself and they suck thats for sure. i also get migraines with auras and that alone will send me into depression. i take a combo of 50 mg of atenolol which is a beta blocker and 10 mg of paxil. the combo of the 2 keep the migraines in check and infrequent. i also use peppermint oil for pain and olbus oil. i swear by them both. :) your in my prayers sweetie and you know where i am if you want to talk :)
ReplyDeleteSigh, Oma. I'm right there with you, slowly seeing the sun peak through even though the black dog is snapping at my heals. I'm watching "The Dog Whisperer" to put this bad ole dog at bay ; ) And I keep saying to myself "this too shall pass." Know that I'm sending you LOTS of love and like any illness you have to take care of yourself first right now and your family and friends have to be educated in a way that you feel comfortable with, even though it's painful. I'm so glad that the fog is lifting...
ReplyDeleteCan't do anything but to send you hugs and say that the beautiful music on your blog gave me a lovely moment in the middle of my day.
ReplyDeleteYea, to all the above. I do know what you are going through my friend as I suffer from the same ailments and it is just part of life that at times I feel okay and other times I really am a b---h to be around. Talk to your doctor as there are things they can give you now for Fibro that are not too awful, some side effects though is that they can make you tired.
ReplyDeleteI fully understand, Linda and I am so sorry that you have to endure this pain. Speaking from the experience of lupus and fibro, with pain comes the depression and with depression comes the pain. There are times it feels like being trapped on a perpetual wheel of hell. It waxes, it wanes.
ReplyDeleteYou know, Ry has a point. About the pills. Let me tell you that there are times it really pisses me off at the amount of pills I have to take each day to maintain my quality of life. But then I remember about 7 years ago when it was an hour after waking each morning before I could support my own weight of only 123 pounds without severe pain from my hips to my toes and limping. How I came home from work nightly so nauseous I could not eat and at week's end, spent my Friday night's in bed with a cold cloth on my forehead and a trashcan next to me to vomit in.
I finally went to a Rheumatologist largely pushed by my own sweet man and began my journey back. It was long and frustrating but I would do it again for the improvement it made. I still get depressed as hell sometimes but at those times I ride it and no longer beat myself up for not being "able to deal with this at my age." We are spiritual beings having earthly experiences and doing the best we can. Be kind to yourself and care for you as you would the grands. My love to you, sweet friend.
Oh Linda, I'm catching up on your blog and I'm so sorry to hear this. What Mina said is so true it's like a wheel with pain comes the depression and with depression comes the pain. I just recently had a bout with a pulled muscle in my back at the same time I seemed to have picked up a summer cold. I was the biggest grouch! I used to really have a high tolerance for pain but here lately as I've gotten older I seem to have hardly any tolerance for it! I finally got to feeling better and it was a like a black cloud lifted I swear! I hope that you are feeling better by now - sending some healing prayers your way. HUGS!
ReplyDelete