me. Or at least was until the last few years. And occasionally comes for a quick put down visit (like my Mom used to) every once in a while.
Yet another dear bloggie buddy has admitted to the fatal flaw of self doubt. That makes 4 buddies in the last 2 weeks who have fallen to the admittance of the opposite of arrogance.
Hey I don't think there is anyone who doesn't suffer from self doubt at some point in their life but for some of us it is a way of life. A mantra. A ball and chain that keeps us from beginning, or finishing (which is my particular disorder) or even trying. It's not like you can call up Snow White and ask the boys to come over and whistle a happy tune and it just goes away. First you have to know from whence it cometh.
I was a pretty precocious toddler. Full of all things wondrous to me. A regular kid or so I have gathered from family banter, some vague memories and pictures from that time in my life. There was a light in my eyes that went missing for a long time. But I'm getting ahead of myself.
I have shared with you in the past about my school age encounters with the "nuns" and how I wasn't prepared to be the only non catholic child in an all girl catholic school. I always imagined that my being ostracized because of my lack of obeying the "eat all your food, there are children dying in India" thing and Sister Mary Geraldine telling the girls not to play with me because I was evil was what began my trip down the self doubt highway. But I now know that it was the abuse at home which I blocked out of my mind for almost 5 decades that really sent me into a downward spiral. But I didn't know the whole truth in my authentic self so....the nuns were the bad guys. I apologize to the nuns at St. Vincent's Academy for girls for the bad mouth all those years. But they do still owe me on the making me eat green beans everyday for a month thing and the spankings.
The effect of self doubt took me from light to darkness. I wouldn't wait for someone else to demean me. I was first in line. I never let anyone make fun of me, I did it first. But in all the darkness there were little spurts of creativity that got me the attention I craved and needed. A wonderful chorus teacher in 7th grade who had me sing in front of the whole school, a neighbor lady who let me ask her questions say anything to her on any subject and told me how funny and charming I was, an art history professor in college who said I had potential, a man who loves me no matter how nutz I act, a beautiful, caring daughter, grands who look at me with eyes filled with wonder and amazement at what I can do for and with them, friends who love me back and let me love them have all taken me a lifetime to come to, cherish and hold me together.
But when I read about someone else's doubts and pain I ache for them. I want to fix it so they don't wander in that darkness, but I can't. The only path to self acceptance comes from self awareness. My wish is that they won't spend 50 years not knowing, 8 years forgiving themselves for not knowing and not have enough days left in the rest of their life to do all that is possible. That's my sorrow and my joy. For you see at least I have today to accomplish something.
Celebrate your authentic self NOW.....ya never know.