a question and answer forum.....for the time being. All things change and become something else if there is growth even Olde Baggs.

Wednesday, January 12, 2011

Self doubt thy name is...............

me. Or at least was until the last few years. And occasionally comes for a quick put down visit (like my Mom used to) every once in a while.

Yet another dear bloggie buddy has admitted to the fatal flaw of self doubt. That makes 4 buddies in the last 2 weeks who have fallen to the admittance of the opposite of arrogance.

Hey I don't think there is anyone who doesn't suffer from self doubt at some point in their life but for some of us it is a way of life. A mantra. A ball and chain that keeps us from beginning, or finishing (which is my particular disorder) or even trying. It's not like you can call up Snow White and ask the boys to come over and whistle a happy tune and it just goes away. First you have to know from whence it cometh.

I was a pretty precocious toddler. Full of all things wondrous to me. A regular kid or so I have gathered from family banter, some vague memories and pictures from that time in my life. There was a light in my eyes that went missing for a long time. But I'm getting ahead of myself.

I have shared with you in the past about my school age encounters with the "nuns" and how I wasn't prepared to be the only non catholic child in an all girl catholic school. I always imagined that my being ostracized because of my lack of obeying the "eat all your food, there are children dying in India" thing and Sister Mary Geraldine telling the girls not to play with me because I was evil was what began my trip down the self doubt highway. But I now know that it was the abuse at home which I blocked out of my mind for almost 5 decades that really sent me into a downward spiral. But I didn't know the whole truth in my authentic self so....the nuns were the bad guys. I apologize to the nuns at St. Vincent's Academy for girls for the bad mouth all those years. But they do still owe me on the making me eat green beans everyday for a month thing and the spankings.

The effect of self doubt took me from light to darkness. I wouldn't wait for someone else to demean me. I was first in line. I never let anyone make fun of me, I did it first. But in all the darkness there were little spurts of creativity that got me the attention I craved and needed. A wonderful chorus teacher in 7th grade who had me sing in front of the whole school, a neighbor lady who let me ask her questions say anything to her on any subject and told me how funny and charming I was, an art history professor in college who said I had potential, a man who loves me no matter how nutz I act, a beautiful, caring daughter, grands who look at me with eyes filled with wonder and amazement at what I can do for and with them, friends who love me back and let me love them have all taken me a lifetime to come to, cherish and hold me together.

But when I read about someone else's doubts and pain I ache for them. I want to fix it so they don't wander in that darkness, but I can't. The only path to self acceptance comes from self awareness. My wish is that they won't spend 50 years not knowing, 8 years forgiving themselves for not knowing and not have enough days left in the rest of their life to do all that is possible. That's my sorrow and my joy. For you see at least I have today to accomplish something.

Celebrate your authentic self NOW.....ya never know.


  1. Everyone I know also goes through self doubt, including myself! It hard to look past that and remember move forward sometimes. It sounds like you are (yea!) & thanks for reminding me to do the same :)

  2. My heart aches for you whenever we talk about things such as this. And like you,I wish I could fix it for you too - I like the ending tho' - it makes my tears fall a little slower after reading it.

  3. Such an inspiring post, may these words reach the eyes of every woman who needs to read them.

    So Mote It Be.

  4. Thanks ladies, I appreciate all you give me and all you make me aspire to. You're the best. Hey, I found a wonderful post of all of us......read on my dears. Chickens in the Road has given us homework. http://chickensintheroad.com/living/

  5. Self-doubt. You know how that hits home to me. For far too many years I doubted everything about myself. Still go through my spells, but I have a lot more faith in myself. Wonderful post, my friend.

  6. Oh my dear Linda. I so know what you are talking about. I think, though, what people never tell us when we are little is that we can say "hey wait a minute, that hurt my feelings and you are wrong, you do not even know where I come from and who I am. Grow up, I am a child and you are supposed to know better."
    I also think that it is the creatively brilliant that suffer self doubt to such depth.
    If we didn't feel every little nuance, or were so attuned to everything around us, we would not be able to create brilliant words, art, music, and pastry and what ever other things that changes the others lives. We are sensitive. We feel things and we feel things for other too.
    We also feel others doubt, sometimes I think half of the doubt we have is not even ours.
    Maybe we are so sensitive we feel other’s pain and self doubt.
    Maybe it is supposed to take us 50 years.
    You are perfect and a light in my life.
    Thank you for this post!

  7. It's part of our life process, that doubt - but we just keep going. And you Linda, you kept going and got to the truth.
    As for those nuns, I went to Catholic school, but they never made me eat green beans for a month - those are some tough nuns, LOL!!!

  8. Seems like a lot of this going on in the blogosphere these days.

  9. me too..

    I like this:
    The only path to self acceptance comes from self awareness.

    learning to love myself at 53yrs of age

  10. Great post and gives one lots to ponder on. I don't know anyone that has not experienced self doubt on at least one occasion it is how you move on that matters, and you are doing a beautiful job of it.

  11. Linda, I have a few fairy godmothers who I've met through the blogosphere and I hope you'll adopt me as one too. You'd be my fairy godmother of good sense of self, courage and you make me laugh even when the subject matter is painful or difficult to deal with. It's so inspiring for me to read about someone who is so aware of the insidiousness of doubt and low self-esteem and then can not eradicate it as you grow older, but say "enough" and then find people who validate and really love you. Thank you so much for who you are, what you give so freely and your magnificent heart and soul.

  12. Oh Lord, Linda...what's with those nuns???!!? I had a second grade teacher, Sister Victoriana, who always was demeaning towards me...I was the biggest kid in the class, literally, so she thought due to my size, I should also be the brightest and smartest...dumb shit!! Then there was the one in 6th grade who "cast me out" of class because I had a "damit doll (now called troll)" on my desk, along with all the other girls, but since I was "Leticia's" sister, I should have known better!!

    That's just the tip of the iceberg for me, but I'll email you later on a very interesting conversation I had with my mother yesterday...and she wonders why we all grew up with major complexes!! sheeesh!!

    Loves ya,

  13. oh Linda I love you! You and Dark Mother are 2 of my favorite people to blog creep! You both say what I feel, what I have been through or what I am dealing with. Thank you my dear blog friends.. I imagine if we were closer we would indeed very close friends.
    Blessings and Love
    Sherry (Autumn Turtle)

  14. Dear Linda, thank you for this, oh so true post and also for your kind encouraging words left on my Blog. They really mean so much! XO


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