I'll catch those of you up on my history, so that it does not seem odd for me to be discussing abuse. Some of you already know of my father and his terrible treatment of my mother, sister, neighbors, neices, aunts and me. The reason he was moved to a managed care facility from his home, where I moved to take care of him after my mother died is because he tried to molest my granddaughter.....just as he had molested me.
When I was a youngster, I just hated the holidays. My Mother was the southern June Cleaver in her own mind and wanted everything to be perfect for the holidays and that happened to be the only time we were allowed in the living room and dining room (we were saving it for good). Even as adults, we were not allowed in on the "good" furniture and heaven forbid that the grandchilden would go into the room with their shoes on. She just expected nothing less than everyone looking, being and behaving perfectly. Yikes, no pressure there.
But after reading all three of the books written by Gayden Metcalf and Charlotte Hays I better understand about southern mothers. The books are: Some Day You'll Thank Me for This, The Official Southern Ladies Guide to Being a Perfect Mother, Being Dead is No Excuse, The Offical Southern Ladies Guide to Hosting the Perfect Funeral and Somebody is Going to Die if Lilly Beth Doesn't Catch That Bouquet, The Official Southern Ladies Guide to Hosting the Perfect Wedding.
Along with the illusion that nothing was wrong in our little family (which would have been tacky to admit) there was the absolute oblivion observed towards the hatefulness that permeated the whole house everytime my brother, sister in law and their two kids and my sister, brother in law and three kids came into "their house".
Then my father had his victim pool of captive people. He was hateful to everyone. Had snide, ugly, hurtful remarks for all. He always complained about the expense of everything, had a fit if someone wanted seconds at a meal, would only serve drinks to his friends, not the family. The worst was at Christmas, after we had opened the presents he would throw parts of everyones presents away with the wrapping paper. The kids toys, clothes, you name it and he would spoil it all. You may say that he was just a rotten man and that what he did was ugly, but what he did to our family, such as it was, was abusive.
He would never let my Mother spend any of "his" money to buy presents for "her" kids or grandkids. She had to sneak around like a thief in the night to do presents for birthdays, graduations, Christmas, everything...... And then when the present giving was over they would fight and fuss and being the youngest by 11 years, I got to hear it all and live through it.
So needless to say, happy what?
I live in the house where all this unhappiness occured but there is no trace of any of it here. We've exorcised and cleansed all of that mess out of here, long ago. And we continue to protect ourselves from the without and the within. Ever vigilant. We are very careful about protecting ourselves.
It is comical to see my grands doing things....like living life....in places where my mother would be having a cataleptic siezure if she saw how the spaces in what used to be her house are being used. Life in this house is a constant work in progress.....ain't it the truth. Three generations making magick happen.
The only reason for my posting this "ugly" from the past is to share with those who are living through something painful like this or have been through a similar situation. For those who have "family" situations that are really difficult at a time when the standard is joy, joy, joy............. and you're asking Really???? You can choose to let the ugly go. You are not alone. There is hope in the future, but it is up to you. Blessings, The Olde Bagg