In life, we are asked to do things that are hard emotionally to do. We have to change behaviors in order for there to be peace.
I learned at an early age that maintaining calm and not rocking the boat were actions that were required in order to keep in the "safe zone". I also learned to cry quietly, into a pillow, so that no one knew I was upset and so the "ugly" energy was not focused on me.
As an adult however, I mimicked my father's actions and made my feelings known at the top of my lungs. Talked ugly and loud and abusively. It's that legacy thing that happens to the abused. I have had bouts of depression and anger (same song, different words). I have been to therapy and learned other (alternate) behaviors, soothing exercises, focusing exercises, letter writing to perpetrators and finally to throw it away. I would say in the past 3 years, I have pretty much succeeded in being the better person, emotionally, that I have always yearned to be. My relationships are built on mutual respect and love. Whether it is my family, the neighbors (except for the fool child next door, who is just beyond even liking), the mailman, strangers in line, service people, whomever.
But like the fool child from next door, who btw I do tolerate, there are some folks out there in the world who have harmed or continue to harm and for all of them....not so much. I could be like I was before and be ugly but it would be a waste of my precious time and energy. I choose the high road and know that all ugliness, meaness, and maliciousness finds its own level and all will be accounted for at some time, in some way. Some call it justice, some call it Karma, I just call it deserved.
So, for the sake of the children.....no, I won't go there. But do not be fooled into thinking that that means I am not capable of protecting those that I love, whether family, friends, strangers, children and animals. Just like they say at the auction before the gavel comes down on the final bid....fair warning.