a question and answer forum.....for the time being. All things change and become something else if there is growth even Olde Baggs.

Thursday, October 28, 2010

Day 3

3. Something you have to forgive yourself for.

This is a hard one. First because I am one of those people who has a guilt necklace with a broken clasp. I just walk around finding the beads of guilt and adding them to the necklace. I constantly say, I'm sorry. So much so that sometimes, I don't really know what it is that I am sorry for. And second because I have so many to pick from, see above.

Coming from a "dysfunctional (nice easy word) childhood", I learned early on that whatever it was that went wrong, it was bound to be my fault and that's how I learned the guilt behavior. But in the recent past, I have, after many years of soul searching and angst, learned that the behavior is very self serving and destructive. NO, Really????? This is the one I really didn't know, it is narcissistic. I had never thought of guilt as making me want to be the center of the universe but it is. Not to the outside world necessarily but the "suffering servant" persona has long been my ugly of choice.

So, I have to forgive myself for being a chump for way too long. You know, taking one for the gipper and being a team player and the brunt of everyone's emotional baggage has not served me well. Guilt makes you bitter not better. Not forgiving yourself shows itself in dis-ease and disease. Feeding that guilt from since before there was hair has given me a "fat" thinking brain and body, bad knees (see fat brain) and back problems (also see fat brain). I eat because I want to self sooth. Doesn't work but it's an ingrained habit to heal that actually causes dis-ease.

I would like to forgive myself for being human and reacting to my childhood hurt by wounding myself over and over again and then jump on that merry go round for so many years. I forgive myself for lack of control. The past is gone, the hurt is over, not forgotten, but over and I have a handle on my brain and body but mostly my heart. Forgiveness granted and accepted. And I am ready to move on to smaller and better things....if you get my drift.


  1. I'm so glad to hear you're moving on, but never blame yourself for reacting in the only way you knew how.

  2. Mary makes a lot of sense. You can't blame yourself if that is the only thing you know. That is the beauty of age - we get to grow up, figure out how the real world works and choose our own path without the pull down from the people who were present when we were younger.

    Take care my sweet petunia. I am so happy you are my friend. Love you!

  3. wow, the guilt necklace, I never thought of that, I am glad that you are not taking on the guilt anymore. I too am glad your my friend. hugs.

  4. Ooooh I'm inspired! Maybe I will make a "guilt necklace" and burn it.

  5. When we are children, we do not even know we can say "hey, wait a minute, that is wrong"
    "Hey wait a minute, I am a good girl" "hey,you are the one that that is not good" we didn't know.
    We have guilt cakes in my husbands family.


You are always welcome to comment on my thoughts and I love them all......