Day 3

3. Something you have to forgive yourself for.

This is a hard one. First because I am one of those people who has a guilt necklace with a broken clasp. I just walk around finding the beads of guilt and adding them to the necklace. I constantly say, I'm sorry. So much so that sometimes, I don't really know what it is that I am sorry for. And second because I have so many to pick from, see above.

Coming from a "dysfunctional (nice easy word) childhood", I learned early on that whatever it was that went wrong, it was bound to be my fault and that's how I learned the guilt behavior. But in the recent past, I have, after many years of soul searching and angst, learned that the behavior is very self serving and destructive. NO, Really????? This is the one I really didn't know, it is narcissistic. I had never thought of guilt as making me want to be the center of the universe but it is. Not to the outside world necessarily but the "suffering servant" persona has long been my ugly of choice.

So, I have to forgive myself for being a chump for way too long. You know, taking one for the gipper and being a team player and the brunt of everyone's emotional baggage has not served me well. Guilt makes you bitter not better. Not forgiving yourself shows itself in dis-ease and disease. Feeding that guilt from since before there was hair has given me a "fat" thinking brain and body, bad knees (see fat brain) and back problems (also see fat brain). I eat because I want to self sooth. Doesn't work but it's an ingrained habit to heal that actually causes dis-ease.

I would like to forgive myself for being human and reacting to my childhood hurt by wounding myself over and over again and then jump on that merry go round for so many years. I forgive myself for lack of control. The past is gone, the hurt is over, not forgotten, but over and I have a handle on my brain and body but mostly my heart. Forgiveness granted and accepted. And I am ready to move on to smaller and better things....if you get my drift.