The photo of me in the groovy red pant suit is just before I married Joe in 1972. We had gone to Colorado and were at the Royal Gorge. Joe is afraid of heights and the Royal Gorge Bridge as you can see behind me in the photo is really high up over the gorge. Bless his heart, even height didn't keep him from doing what I wanted to do......it was a little longer coming back to the other side though. I thought we were going to have to spend the night there. Poor fella, love makes ya do dumb things.
After talking about my hippy self and sorority girl self here, alter egos in college, I was asked by a nosey lot of you to show my old self. Never in a million years did I think that doing so would cause such emotion inside me. And I'm not unhappy about that. It was good to do some soul cleaning in some of the dark recesses of my mind. I just didn't expect it to affect me so. After all, I was only looking for old pictures. Right? uh......yeah.
If you had said to me that I still had baggage from that time in my life, I would have called you nutz. My trauma didn't come from that time. It was when I was a young child. By the time I got into college I was pretty screwed up alright but had already learned the social cues to getting along. I must have been pretty good at it because I lead a double life. Actually, as I have come to realize, I've been doing that since I was very young. I wouldn't call it telling untruths....I would call it keeping the truth at bay.
Being a child of sexual and verbal abuse has given me a life of double edged swords. On the one side, I have been angry for much of my life. Acted out that anger in all the wrong places. Haven't trusted when I should have. And didn't believe my own worth and value (I still work on that one daily but I am so much better). On the other side of the sword, I have always had compassion for the wronged. Loved working with teens because I never got past that mind set of me against the world (honest, it was a great thing for being able to get inside their heads and ignore camoflage behavior). Now I can relate to so many people who also were forced to live a hidden life. And am equipped to be the Oma to children who needed me to be able to understand. That part I wish were not true but I am glad I do have the experiential knowledge to see their points of view.
The reason I am sharing this with you is because of a new lesson I learned. I can. That's it.
I have had boxes of pictures of my childhood, teenage years, young married life and all of them were frightening to me. I didn't know what kind of muck I would stir up if I were to look at them. Well now I know.......lots of muck, some scary feelings, some smiles, some "what was I thinking?" and also some (and this one is the most amazing) wow, I wasn't nearly as ugly as I thought I was.
My Mother had a saying that has stuck with me up to this moment...."Don't be ugly Linda Sybil". That is what she would say to make me behave, come around to her way of thinking, not embarrass her, be who she wished I was. Which was thin, pretty, charming, and smart. The thing is...after all these years I wish I could have told her that I wasn't ugly and that 3 out of 4 ain't bad. I have always been pretty, charming and smart in my own way with a side order of chubby.
I need to thank Stacy, Magaly and Debra for asking me to share what I looked like when I was younger. If it had not been for your sweet curiousity, I would not have worked out one of the last of the puzzle pieces that makes me.......authentically me. I also have to thank Marie Segal for posting a link on Facebook to EFT(Emotional Freedom Technique) link here.....http://youtu.be/X4EDgTc0AyQ tapping may be my new drug. It is so soothing and calming. The whole Cuckoo clan is taking advantage of it...(check it out) Blessings to all.
And don't think I haven't worked every protection on all that old stuff, juju abounded and is now contained. My mood is growing stronger with the approach of the full moon.....my moon, the one that will set my "okness" free.
Glad you were able to work through some things on your trip down amnesia lane! I'm laughing at SM getting all the way across that bridge and then struggling to come back. I think I'd have balked on the way out!
ReplyDeleteGlad you were able to work through some things. I've only one picture of myself, posing with my dad and his twin. It's frightening to think that that is all I have left of the me that was.
ReplyDeleteMary
Well, I didn't suffer sexual abuse so I consider myself lucky in that respect considering all the women I know who did suffer it, but the verbal abuse now. my father could and would pound you into the ground with his words and when he got started on you it lasted at least an hour. I hated dinner time cause if someone was gonna get it, that's when it started. no wonder I couldn't eat! it wasn't until years and years later that I realized it was abuse because I couldn't remember much of it. I still don't have a lot of memories of my childhood. I mean I have plenty of memories but you'd think there would be more, a whole lifetime worth. my mother never interfered. except once when I was 19. I came in after my date to find both parents waiting up for me. I was stoned, don't remember what I had ingested but it had made me feel nauseated and I had thrown up unexpectedly and gotten my shirt dirty so someone gave me a clean shirt to put on. I felt fine after that and had fun. well, my father noticed I was wearing a different shirt than the one I had left in and started in on me and then he slapped me in the face and called me a whore (or a bitch, one of those details that is murky). That's when my mother decided enough was enough and sent me to bed. the only time in her life she ever stuck up for me. It was also the one and only time my father struck me like that. I can remember getting spanked though.
ReplyDeleteWhile reading this all i was thinking was how i wanted to hug you. So, i am sending a big warm hug to you from half the world away!
ReplyDeleteI'm glad that you were able to work through that muck and come out the other side just as lovely and weilding even more wisdom and self awareness.
ReplyDeleteThose old photos are tricky buggers, I've found some from my teens (not so long ago) and going through them stirred the pot big time and brought up a bunch of my own issues as a fellow abuse survivor. The hardest was when I found a picture of the abusive ex and I together, I felt my heart catch in my throat and the room spun around... then I took a deep breath, took it to my altart where I tore him out of the picture and out of my life. I made up a ritual on the spot to cleanse myself and then set the bastard's photo on fire. I've not felt that way looking at photos since.
Ramblings aside, you were and still are one of the prettiest Omas around. And don't you forget it! xox
Multiple revelations happening at Casa De Cuckoo. I'm loving it! As for as photographs go, everytime someone dies in our family we bust out the old photo albums. I always have mixed feelings about them, especially when I hit the teen years because that's when the pain of my abuse as a child acted out. Then I have to remind myself that the hurt and pain I felt then is still here but I'm a strong woman because of it. I just have to remember to give that hurt little girl lots of hugs.
ReplyDeleteBlessings darling. You're gorgeous inside and out. I LOVE your hair!
The photos are wonderful. The younger you and the warm loving person you are now are both beautiful. Yes, I called you a warm loving person. I know you like to think you are such a bad ass but kiddo you're a sweety in spite of all you've been through.
ReplyDeleteI was at a Tupperware party back in the late 70s and some how the conversation turned to child abuse and it turned out that each of the women there had been abused as a child. I'd read that 1 out of 5 children is a victum of abuse so what are the odds that this one time it was 5 out of 5?
Linda, you do know that you are smart and pretty and witty and the bestest sister of another mother that I have ever had and I'm thrilled that you've become a part of my life. Okay, enough mushy stuff. S&S
I adore your blog! I have nominated you for a Liebster Award! You can go to my page at http://midstridemoxie.blogspot.com/ to learn how to accept it. I think you're great and look forward to more in the future! Love, Lina
ReplyDeleteIt takes such strength (especially when what you are feeling seems to be counter to that) to put yourself out there and back in toward yourself to experience what you have been through. When I saw your early photo and your now photo, all I thought of pure and simple was: "Oh, that's OMA Linda. She's so beautiful." I think that you truly are such a beautiful person and it shows. I'm so happy we met via our blogs. (((hugs))) to you my friend.
ReplyDeleteWhat a goddess you are, Linda! To have grown up with such "ugliness" only to be reminded of your worth fighting and kicking all the way. You're like a Lotus flower like I am. We came from the muddy depths and pushed our way up to the surface. Keep on shining, my friend.
ReplyDeleteIt wasn't a life of untruths, but a life of survival, sweetie. And look at you now, you amazing crone...thriving despite them all, giving hope and inspiration, wisdom and true compassion to people you have never even met. If I had to be honest, Miss Oma Linda, I'd say you are truly one of my heroes.
ReplyDeleteYou not only can, you do. And you do it with such love and kindness that we all can't help but love you. From the bottom of my heart, Mina
You are a cutey! Both younger and older! You have a great smile and a twinkle in your eye! You have survived through so much and you give so much! A special and loving person you are! I look up to you! You don't realize, in such a short time knowing you, how you have affected my life! Big Hugs ;o)
ReplyDelete