"Life's not fair".
How many times have you heard that phrase? Fairness doesn't seem to have anyplace in life's scheme, and not just when you are in your teens. Although I do seem to remember that it was the phrase of a decade, way back when. And is still the lament of the adolescent now. Or at least ours and those that are close to her.
Fairness, when practiced is not easy. Because when using the term one must be careful that you have the definition correctly stated. Fairness is not balance or equality. Fairness is not easy or kind. Fairness is just very definitely hard to achieve, because there is always a tipping of the scales......perspective.
My granddaughter is a bright, outgoing, (unfortunately) typical teenager in many ways. She wants what she wants when she wants it. But lest I deceive you with that statement, that started from the instant she drew breath as a Taurus and a Dragon. Stubborn is not just a word in her vocabulary, it is her mantra. Most often that means she is stubbornly a supporter of someone else.......she is a fixer.
Fixers by nature are kind, good and looking for fairness for the one who has garnered their support. What they seem to miss, is that, fairness is elusive at best, skewed at worst. And when you add a crush into the mix of the fixing....oh my.
The object of her affection is a rebel without a clue. He rails against the storm of his own concoction. He fights with any and every adult he has ever met and fails to see his part in it. He has no governor when it comes to impulse which landed the two of them in parental hell when they kissed. I am told by the "adults" that they had asked that the teens did not act on their mutual attraction.
WHAT????????? I worked with teenagers for 20 something years. People if you are foolish enough to "draw the line in the sand" with kids then expect that they aren't going to just walk near the line but take a running jump over it, because then "life's not fair".
He's clueless and she is the defender of his stupidity. He, being a child who doesn't care whether he is getting negative or positive reinforcement, he just wants, nay, craves the attention and she is definitely going to be a public defender when she is grown. Her mantra playing in her head all the while.
But the bloom is beginning to fade on the rose. His anger is his girlfriend, she is only a watcher and that will never do. She wants to be the girlfriend and sweep the anger from his life. But he is so used to being angry that he doesn't understand what is right in front of him. Thank the gods. But she is upset for and with him. And once again, "life is not fair".
What to do, what to do? I too am a fixer. I want to make it all better not only for my dear GK but also for this tormented youth. He does deserve to find happiness and no it is not my responsibility to find it for him, but I ache for him as well.
I write this not as a confessional but rather as a question to you my lovelies. How to you help someone who is obviously bound for a life that will hold disappointments and lessons? When I worked with someone else's teens I always counseled them to write down the positives and negatives of a situation. Fold the paper upon which it is written. Put the paper in a box. And put the box away for 3 days. And try not to think about the situation. On the third day open the box, read the list and pick one positive and one negative and use those as your "balance" and guides for the answer, trying to be fair.
But now that advice seems......hollow.
I'm glad I'm not 13 again. But remember I did curse myself when I was 13, when I said "I never want to forget what it is like to be a kid". Karma served hot or cold is still a bitch.