a question and answer forum.....for the time being. All things change and become something else if there is growth even Olde Baggs.

Tuesday, December 17, 2013

Direct quotes from a teenager...........

"Life's not fair".

How many times have you heard that phrase? Fairness doesn't seem to have anyplace in life's scheme, and not just when you are in your teens. Although I do seem to remember that it was the phrase of a decade, way back when. And is still the lament of the adolescent now. Or at least ours and those that are close to her.

Fairness, when practiced is not easy. Because when using the term one must be careful that you have the definition correctly stated. Fairness is not balance or equality. Fairness is not easy or kind. Fairness is just very definitely hard to achieve, because there is always a tipping of the scales......perspective.

My granddaughter is a bright, outgoing, (unfortunately) typical teenager in many ways. She wants what she wants when she wants it. But lest I deceive you with that statement, that started from the instant she drew breath as a Taurus and a Dragon. Stubborn is not just a word in her vocabulary, it is her mantra. Most often that means she is stubbornly a supporter of someone else.......she is a fixer.

Fixers by nature are kind, good and looking for fairness for the one who has garnered their support. What they seem to miss, is that, fairness is elusive at best, skewed at worst. And when you add a crush into the mix of the fixing....oh my.

The object of her affection is a rebel without a clue. He rails against the storm of his own concoction. He fights with any and every adult he has ever met and fails to see his part in it. He has no governor when it comes to impulse which landed the two of them in parental hell when they kissed. I am told by the "adults" that they had asked that the teens did not act on their mutual attraction.

WHAT????????? I worked with teenagers for 20 something years. People if you are foolish enough to "draw the line in the sand" with kids then expect that they aren't going to just walk near the line but take a running jump over it, because then "life's not fair".

He's clueless and she is the defender of his stupidity. He, being a child who doesn't care whether he is getting negative or positive reinforcement, he just wants, nay, craves the attention and she is definitely going to be a public defender when she is grown. Her mantra playing in her head all the while.

But the bloom is beginning to fade on the rose. His anger is his girlfriend, she is only a watcher and that will never do. She wants to be the girlfriend and sweep the anger from his life. But he is so used to being angry that he doesn't understand what is right in front of him. Thank the gods. But she is upset for and with him. And once again, "life is not fair".

What to do, what to do? I too am a fixer. I want to make it all better not only for my dear GK but also for this tormented youth. He does deserve to find happiness and no it is not my responsibility to find it for him, but I ache for him as well.

I write this not as a confessional but rather as a question to you my lovelies. How to you help someone who is obviously bound for a life that will hold disappointments and lessons? When I worked with someone else's teens I always counseled them to write down the positives and negatives of a situation. Fold the  paper upon which it is written. Put the paper in a box. And put the box away for 3 days. And try not to think about the situation. On the third day open the box, read the list and pick one positive and one negative and use those as your "balance" and guides for the answer, trying to be fair.

But now that advice seems......hollow.

I'm glad I'm not 13 again. But remember I did curse myself when I was 13, when I said "I never want to forget what it is like to be a kid". Karma served hot or cold is still a bitch.


  1. Oh boy. I dated one of those once, when I was a year older than GK. And let me tell you, it is the only relationship of any sort that I truthfully and honestly regret and feel that I wasted my time on. He too, was an angry rebellious type (and none too bright to boot) and my mom and I are both "fixers"... we spent over a year trying to help him, to no avail.

    He went on to have many fatherless children and quite the jail record. And is still none too bright. Doubt he could even spell half of these words correctly.

    I'm not trying to say "don't try" because everyone deserves a shot, but I would advise to keep your hopes reigned in and realistic; not all those who need helping are willing to be helped.

    As for our teenager, I ache for her and do not miss that age one stinkin bit. Lots of love and hugs her way; teenagerdom is the pits.

  2. oh boy. no one can fix him. only he can fix himself and he has to be tired of being angry all the time to ever get to that point. some never do. they feed on the anger. hopefully GK will understand that and get tired of being around an angry person all the time. but whatever you do, don't forbid her to see him. she will just sneak around then. I know from personal experience. when my parents forbid me to see my boyfriend, I just got someone else to pick me up for our dates.

  3. Fairness is just an abstract concept with no basis in the real or natural world. Parents invented it to keep siblings quiet and in line. When our son would tell us life wasn't fair I'd just say, "Tell me about it."

  4. Sadly, they are each going to have to figure out their paths (which will indeed be separate) on their own. Your best role is to be there to hold her when it comes to that. And it will. If she's your granddaughter, she's bright enough to know when she's had enough.
    If you point out the negatives, it's only going to make her focus on the positives.. which is a good thing in most cases but not if it makes her want to keep trying to fix him. Remind her that the only one she can truly fix is herself. And the same goes for him.

  5. That is a hard one Oma Linda! I think the best thing to do, is just be there for her! And, if he is around, be there for him too? Sometimes, talking, even if it's one person talking, can help! Fairness is not a fair word! LOL! I am going through kind of a situation now! I keep asking why?? But, in time, I know the answer will come! And, as they say, when one door closes, another will open ;o) Big Hugs and I hope everything works out ;o)

  6. Oh wow, my wonderful, sweet friend. this is very difficult. My son had a "special" someone in his life. When she and he decided to become a couple, he took me aside and told me that they'd kissed. I knew it was a mistake but I also knew that if I said something negative about it, then it would fuel the fire more. I didn't want to be the one to "draw that line in the sand" when it was also my son's first love. It took three months to peter out and him to realize she was controlling, mean, and an emotional succubus. It still broke his heart into a million pieces because they had been friends for two years before that. If they had stayed friends (she was the one to advance the relationship after leading him on for over eight months), all would have been fine, I think. The flames of "passion" would have died down and they would have come to their senses. But the pieces lay broken all around and it took so incredibly very, very, very, very long for the pieces to sort of be picked up and pieced back together... She didn't care about the fact that he is autistic and processes things differently, she just figured her way was the right way and she was going to "fix" him and he wanted to make her happy so much so that he bent over backwards and did cartwheels in order to try and keep her happy... only ignoring his own needs and health in the process. Not a good match at all. But a really profound experience, though.

    I'm not sure what to say about your sweet Granddaughter. She is only 13 so she has a long way to go to learn about human nature and her place in her own life, even. I think people change when they see things from outside themselves about themselves. Therapy helped me a lot with that... of course, I have lots of social issues and mishaps due to being autistic myself, but I get so mired down in my own day to day and my own continual loop of thought that I need to have help stepping out of it and looking in. I think therapists are great for that because they are not someone you know, you don't feel openly rebellious towards them, typically, and they can really help map things out over time... and it takes time. For me it's taken two and a half years of regular therapy to really see myself and my patterns. I did before, but I didn't quite know how to get myself successfully or gracefully or not so gracefully out of them. The other part was learning to accept myself for who and what I am at that particular time in my life and linking up why I am doing things to how I was raised or what I experienced and how I processed it in the past. Otherwise, for me, it just remained too vague and I couldn't change anything about myself or love myself more through it.

    I know... long, long answer which has no direct answer. Sorry about that. I hope things work out and smooth out for your granddaughter soon. Teenage life is such a difficult one... I wouldn't do that over again for anything. Too tough.

    Bright blessings and love and hugs and best wishes for things to get better,


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